Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Helping With the Language Barrier

G-20 Summit to be held in Pittsburgh
(Em guys gonna meet in Pixburg n-at)

A public Service Announcement: Next weekend the so-called G-20 Summit, more formally known as the Group of Twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors, is scheduled to meet in Pittsburgh, PA. The summit will not only have an impact on the city itself but on surrounding communities, known as the Greater Pittsburgh Area. Many residents of the GPA speak colloquially. Therefore, in the interest of Political Correctness, today’s blog will attempt to guide residents of the GPA through some of the vernacular used by outsiders. Today’s blog will translate, paragraph by paragraph, news about the G-20 into Pittsburghese. So if you’re from Pittsburgh, Aspinwall, Baldwin, Beaver, Castle Shannon, Clairton, Crafton, Duquesne, Rankin, Moon, Mars, Swissvale, Coraopolis, Perryopolis or any other GPA location, this post could help you understand the foreigners – both international and New Yorkers - who will invade your Burgh.

Announcement and Press Release: The G-20 has announced it will hold this year’s Summit in the beautiful City of Pittsburgh. The downtown area is located at confluence of the Ohio, Monongahela, and Allegheny Rivers. Weather can be tricky in Pittsburgh this time of year so invitees are encouraged to pack attire appropriate for a sudden chill or a sprinkle of rain. Participants are encouraged to sample the excellent local repast and beverages. Merchants will often prepare sack lunches filled with local delicacies for later consumption.

Da Suits are comin’: A whole bunch of foreign fellas is gonna flap their gums dahn by Point Park, along the Mon, the Ahia, n the Alley-gainey. If yinz go to see ‘em, bring yer babushkas cause it might get chilly er slippy. If the forners ain’t et (jeet yet?) air prolly gonna go ta Pimantis fer a sammich n a Arn City er some pop. Some of ‘em ‘ll buy a chipped ham sammich in a poke fer later.

More information from the G-20 Press Release: Visitors to this area, one of the most beautiful in Pennsylvania, are encouraged to explore. Visit the sights. The South Side is an area of interest with neat homes and unique businesses. The East Liberty area has some fine Italian restaurants. The Strip District with its wholesale area is a local’s delight. As you pass through surrounding communities you might see some local residents sitting on their front porches enjoying life.

If you are fortunate enough to be invited to a home of one of the locals from Moon, Turtle Creek, Slippery Rock, et. al. you might enjoy a local delicacy of skewered pork and veal cubes breaded and fried like chicken, or even a backyard barbecue. Locals drink tap water, not seltzer, and after dinner, plates and utensils are immediately washed. Local pantries are usually well stocked. But don’t just drop in without an invitation or you may be in trouble.

What else the foners ‘ll do: Most of ‘em ain’t been in Pensivania and they’re gonna be nebby. They’ll drive around tahn ‘n at. They’re gonna go see da Sahside, so be sure to redd up. They’re gonna go to Sliberty fer some sgetti. Er they might go dahn by the docks to da Strip. Sit aht on yer stoop to see da strangers.

If you meet one of these ferign fellas, bring him home fer some city chicken er a cookaht in the backyard. Give ‘em water straight from the spiket, n use yer warshrag to redd up the dishes after supper. Show ‘em the food in yer cubbert. But if they try to just pop in, they could be up a crik cause maybe you dittent go ta Foodland or Jynt Iggle yet.

Other highlights of Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh was once known as the Steel City. Their football team is named “Steelers,” even though U.S. Steel, J and L Steel, etc. are gone or now only shadows of their former selves. Take a ride on the streetcars for an hour or so. Be prompt though for if you’re running late, they won’t wait for you. Keep the tickets in a rubber band as souvenirs. Pittsburgh is a safe city. It is not pretentious. The most common dog breed is a mongrel.

More stuff ‘bout the Burgh: Piksburgh still has da Stillers, but Jaynell n at closed dahn. Go on da streecar fer an ahr er so, but if yer late they won’t wait on ya. Put a gummband around the tickets. Don’t be ascared in Picksburg. It ain’t uppity. Most dogs are Heinz 57 n at.

Final note to locals: As you can see, there’s gonna be a whole bunch a strangers in tahn next week – maybe a hunnert thousan. They’ll be driving rented Chiys n at, so be careful if ur on the Bulvard Dallies or da Parkway er in Carnaygee. Use ur blinkers n be as careful as if ur drivin a baby buggy. Don’t be ignernt to em er a jagoff n at. Get some kranz an make some “Welcome” signs. If ur in the park share the sliding board with em. If they sit at ur table in the park, skootch over for em. Maybe even buy em a sno-cone. And don’t let them know you feel sorry for them ‘cause when they get back home they won’t have Klondikes, jumbo sammiches, lightning bugs, jagger bushes, er a decent caach to sit on. They don’t know who Marn Cope was or da Bus and probly never saw Bill Caher coach da Stillers. Listen to yer Mum when she tells you to be nice or you’ll get a lickin. Make sure all da forners go home with good memories. Dats it. Fort Pitt.

A little blogging music Maestro... “Pennsylvania Polka” by Frankie Yankovic.

Dr. Forgot

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