A Little Pick-Me-Up

The Week of the Chuckle

No Phi Beta Kappa: Before we get to the serious stuff, let me share transcripts of some alleged 911 calls that I received. I will not reveal the city of origin but let’s just say it supposedly came from a city known for its Country and Western music:

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to faint.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Remember, these callers are the same ones who vote for our leaders.

Next, a little football humor to commemorate a great season despite the BCS providing their BS to Boise State. Quotes by coaches and players:

'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' - Bobby Bowden Florida State

'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'When you win, nothing hurts.' - Joe Namath / Alabama

'Motivation is simple.. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' - Wally Butts / Georgia

'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' - Paul Dietzel / LSU

'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. 'No, but you can see it from here.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring- give us the ball near the goal line.' - Matty Bell / SMU

'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' - Alex Karras / Iowa

'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' -Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' - Shug Jordan / Auburn

'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' - Darrell Royal / Texas

'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' - John McKay / USC

'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' - Murray Warmath /Minnesota

'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' - Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.' - Darrell Royal /University of Texas

'I've found that prayers work best when yo have big players.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' - John Heisman

A little blogging music Maestro… “Backfield in Motion” by Mel and Tim.
Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Read me also at http://vegasnews.squarespace.com/dr-forgot-andrew-r-nixon/