The old changeup pitch

Today we will switch gears and simply do a little humor. Wordplay has always fascinated me. Today's wacky dictionary had me laughing my tukus off so I'll share it in hopes that you chuckle as well. Read and enjoy.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question in an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

A little blogging music Maestro: Do you know "Words" by the BeeGees?

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Hey, You Speak-a da English?

You speak-a de English?

One of my favorite sayings is, "Those who speak three languages are tri-lingual. Those who speak two languages are bi-lingual, and those who speak only one language are American.

We sometimes are baffled that immigrants have such a difficult time with our language - after all, even a CHILD can speak it. But consider some of the foibles found within the language:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

If that is not confusing enough, consider a few other issues:

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of our language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

Oh, one more brief thought about the English language...

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word (or that four letter word), and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now this write is about UP, so.........it is time to shut UP!

I hope I haven't fouled UP your day...

So have a little compassion for the immigrants who try so hard to work and learn the language at the same time.


A little blogging music Maestro, "The Alphabet Song."

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Cats and Home Depot

A two-part blog today

Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you:

MEMO TO MY CAT

Dear Casanova: You have lived in this house for several years now and I have tolerated your little idiosyncrasies. I admit I’ve been a little lax on rules enforcement, but now it is time to review the HOUSE RULES:

1. Nighttime is when big people sleep. It is most difficult to sleep when a cat is curled up on your head with his tail brushing across your nose.

2. The bed is a King size. That is the largest one they make. It should easily sleep two adults and a cat. You weigh about 15 pounds, a fraction of what either of your two human bedmates weigh, so there should not be a problem here. I could not buy a bigger bed even if I wanted to and I refuse to move to the couch again to accommodate you.

3. The bowl that says “Cat Man” is yours. The food in that bowl is cat food. The food on the counter is human food. Placing your paw in the middle of the human food or poking around it with your nose does not make it cat food. Dining on cat hair is not my idea of an epicurean delight. Stay away from my food.

4. The hallway from the living room to the bedroom was not designed by NASCAR. I know that some of your cat relatives can reach a top speed of 60 mph. Racing me to the bedroom, even with a head start, is not a fair game. Tripping me offers you no advantage because you can already beat me fair and square.

5. Let’s revisit the bedroom for a moment. I have lived up to my end of the bargain by not taking you to a groomer to have you washed and trimmed, and you’ve kept your end by grooming yourself daily. But MUST you groom yourself just as I’m drifting off to sleep? And the occasional hairball… must you cough it where I step when I get up from bed? I think not.

6. You have an entire room with a fine potty box filled with kitty litter. I do not bother you when you go in to do your business. So why, when I enter my human bathroom, do you feel compelled to claw, cry, meow, and otherwise try to turn the door knob and even to crawl under the door? Just as you prefer privacy in your potty box, so do I in mine.

7. Then there is the kissing thing. Even though your tongue is a bit like steel wool, I appreciate your affectionateness and desire to kiss me. Given my preference, however, I would prefer you kiss me BEFORE you clean yourself.

8. I know you have several uncanny abilities. When we have visitors you have the ability to identify the one who likes cats least and rub against that person’s leg, climb on their lap, and muss their hair. It would be better if you did not do that.

9. Many people do not understand that you are just a pet to them but to us, you are our kids. We adopted you and you’re welcome here as long as you choose to stay.

10. Finally, don’t get all uppity when you read this one, but having a cat is better than having a kid around the house for the following reasons: you eat less, you don’t ask for money, you won’t wreck my car, you don’t smoke, I won’t have to pay for your college, and you will not come home pregnant, and even if you do we can sell your offspring.

PART II: A LUNCH CRUNCH

Ok, so I sneak off for a quickie lunch with Mrs. Dr. Forgot. It was at one of our usual Mexican Cantina lunches with food you can’t pronounce and shouldn’t trust. Pedro (real name Skippy) took our order and disappeared. The food was good - a little spicy, not AIEEEE CARRUMBA!!

On the way back my date said, “Let’s stop at Home Depot. I have to pick up some plant food.” How innocent is that? Ok, no problem

Once we got there she reminded me that the grates on the BBQ were getting awfully greasy and maybe it is time to replace them. In fact the entire BBQ is about 10 years old and getting pretty grungy. Hey! Guess what! Home Depot is having a sale. Half off on selected BBQ grilles! What a deal! The conversation was as follows:

HOME DEPOT ASSOCIATE: “Can I help you, sir?”
She: “Can we see the BBQs that are on sale?”
ME: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

HDA: “Right over here.”
SHE: “Look, Honey, by the time we buy new grilles, for just a little more we can have a whole new BBQ.”
ME: I am NOT putting another (Joe Biden word)ing BBQ together.

HDA: Sir, we can assemble one for you. In fact we have three already assembled on display outside.:
SHE: “Be still my heart!”
ME: “Right. How much extra for assembly?”

HDA: Nothing, Sir, they come either assembled or unassembled, same low price.”
SHE: “Be still my heart.”
ME: Ok, help me load the 5 bags of caca (she calls it plant food), and the 50 lb. bag of sand she bought (don’t ask me why – we have lots of sand in the desert for free), and the three other items and the BBQ into the car.

(Pay for caca, sand, BBQ, and misc.)

HDA: “Car, sir? Is that your PT Cruiser?” (begins to snigger)
SHE: Oh, I’m sure it will all fit. We don’t live far.” (Not sure what not living far has to do with whether or not it will fit)
ME: “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

HDA: (Sniggering as he measures the car then the assembled BBQ) “No way, sir, the BBQ is 60” and your rear door is 43” Yes, sir, that is WITH the seats down. We do have a truck you can rent.”
ME: Let’s get the (Joe Biden word)ing truck.”

Fast forward to loading the BBQ onto the truck. The HDA is not permitted to help much lest HD be liable so I had to climb up into the truck bed. When was the last time you saw an overweight man who was never that well coordinated and now well on the other side of a half century in age, try to climb up into a truck bed? Not a pretty sight. HDA giggled but did not help. Neither did it help when I finally got into the truck bed and stood up, cracking my head on the corner of the BBQ.

For those of you who have never been Moms, or who flunked First Aid 101, a head or scalp wound bleeds “like a studded pig.” Not only did I not get sympathy because by this time both SHE and the HDA were laughing raucously, but blood was streaming down my forehead and I was demonstrating language skills usually possessed only by the saltiest of sailors.

I finally got the BBQ secured and drove the 6 blocks or so to my house. We got the BBQ unloaded and applied a band aid to my wound. The HDA said he was putting me in for a Purple Heart.

Next to unload were the five 40lb. bags of sweet smelling stuff that is there after the cow has gone, along with the sand and other odds and ends. I went to my tool shed and pulled out my dolly (Hello, Dolly!) so I did not have to lug all that stuff around to the back yard. But the weight of the bags popped one of the tires on the dolly rendering her useless. That was my noon run.

So that is my story and I’m sticking to it. Next time she coos, “Honey, I’ll buy lunch,” I plan to make myself a sandwich and write Thoughts blogs

A little blogging music Maestro… Johnny Cash, “Home of the Blues.”

Dr. Forgot

Happy Gnu Ear

State of the New Decade

Thank you Kingston Trio: The New Year always reminds me of a song that was popular four or five decades ago. See how little things have changed over the decades.

They're rioting in Africa, they're starving in Spain.
There's hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain.
The whole world is festering with unhappy souls.
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles.
Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch.
And I don't like anybody very much!

But we can be tranquil, and thankful, and proud,
For mans' been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud.
And we know for certain that some lovely day
Someone will set the spark off, and we will all be blown away.

They're rioting in Africa, there's strife in Iran.
What nature doesn't do to us, will be done by our fellow man.

Famous happenings on this date: On this date in history in:
1496 Leonardo daVinci unsuccessfully tries flying machine.
1521- The Pope excommunicated Martin Luther.
1667 Russia and Poland sign peace treaty.
1750 Tax revolt in Netherlands.
1777 George Washington’s army defeated Cornwall in the Battle of Princeton.
1821 First engineering college in U.S. opens in Troy, NY.
1833 Britain seized the Falkland Islands.
1870 Construction began on the Brooklyn Bridge.
1871 Henry Bradley patented oleomargarine.
1888 Marvin Stone invented the drinking straw.
1920 The Yankees acquired Babe Ruth from Boston and the curse was on.
1938 The March of Dimes was established.
1947 First televising of Congressional hearings.
1958 Sir Edmund Hillary reached the South Pole.
1959 Alaska became the 49th state.
1962 Pope John XXIII excommunicated Fidel Castro.
1967 Jack Ruby (who shot Lee Harvey Oswald) died.
1969 30,000 copies of John Lennon’s album “Two Virgins” confiscated.
1972 Don McLean’s gold record “American Pie” lasted 8:32.

Happy Birthday to: On this date the following people were born:
• 106 BC – Cicero, Roman statesman and philosopher (d. 43 BC)
• 1196 – Emperor Tsuchimikado of Japan (d. 1231)
• 1698 – Pietro Metastasio, Italian poet (d. 1782)
• 1710 – Richard Gridley, American Revolutionary soldier (d. 1796)
• 1719 – Francisco José Freire, Portuguese historian (d. 1773)
• 1722 – Fredric Hasselquist, Swedish naturalist (d. 1752)
• 1733 – Sir Richard Arkwright, British industrialist and inventor (d. 1792)
• 1760 – John Storm, American Revolutionary soldier (d. 1835)
• 1778 – Antoni Melchior Fijałkowski, Polish bishop (d. 1861)
• 1793 – Lucretia Mott, American women's rights activist (d. 1880)
• 1802 – Charles Pelham Villiers, British House of Commons member (d. 1898)
• 1803 – Douglas William Jerrold, British playwright (d. 1857)
• 1806 – Henriette Sontag, German soprano (d. 1854)
• 1810 – Antoine Thomson d'Abbadie, French geographer (d. 1897)
• 1819 – Charles Piazzi Smyth, Astronomer Royal for Scotland (d. 1900)
• 1821 – Dragotin Dežman, Slovenian politician, archeologist and botanist (d. 1889)
• 1831 – Savitribai Phule, Female social activist, first female teacher in India, and first female poet in Marathi language (d. 1897)
• 1836 – Sakamoto Ryoma, Japanese revolutionary (d. 1867)
• 1840 – Father Damien, Flemish missionary (d. 1889)
• 1855 – Hubert Bland, British socialist (d. 1914)
• 1861 – William Renshaw, British champion tennis player (d. 1904)
• 1862 – Sir Matthew Nathan, British Governor of Queensland and other places (d. 1939)
• 1865 – Henry Lytton, British actor and opera singer (d. 1936)
• 1870 – Henry Handel Richardson, Australian author (d. 1946)
• 1873 – Ichizo Kobayashi, Japanese businessman (d. 1957)
• 1875 – Alexandros Diomidis, governor of the Bank of Greece and Prime Minister of Greece (d. 1950)
• 1876 – Wilhelm Pieck, first President of East Germany (d. 1960)
• 1879 – Grace Coolidge, First Lady of the United States (d. 1957)
• 1883 – Clement Attlee, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (d. 1967)
• 1884 – Raoul von Koczalski, Polish pianist and composer (d. 1948)
• 1885 – Harry Elkins Widener, book collector, businessman, victim of the sinking of the RMS Titanic, and person after whom Harvard University's largest library is named (d. 1912)
• 1886 – John Gould Fletcher, American poet and author (d. 1950)
• 1886 – Josephine Hull, American actress (d. 1957)
• 1887 – August Macke, German painter (d. 1914)
• 1887 – Helen Parkhurst, American educator (d. 1973)
• 1892 – J. R. R. Tolkien, British writer (d. 1973)
• 1894 – ZaSu Pitts, American actress (d. 1963)
• 1895 – Borys Lyatoshynsky, Ukrainian composer (d. 1968)
• 1897 – Marion Davies, American actress (d. 1961)
• 1898 – Carlos Keller, Chilean fascist politician (d. 1974)
• 1900 – Donald J. Russell, North American railroad executive (d. 1985)
• 1901 – Ngô Đình Diệm, President of South Vietnam (d. 1963)
• 1905 – Ray Milland, British actor (d. 1986)
• 1905 – Anna May Wong, American actress (d. 1961)
• 1909 – Victor Borge, Danish entertainer (d. 2000)
• 1910 – Frenchy Bordagaray, American baseball player (d. 2000)
• 1911 – John Sturges, American director (d. 1982)
• 1912 – Renaude Lapointe, Canadian journalist and senator (d. 2002)
• 1912 – Armand Lohikoski, Finnish director (d. 2005)
• 1915 – Mady Rahl, German stage and film actress (d. 2009)
• 1915 – Jack Levine, American social realist painter
• 1916 – Maxene Andrews, American singer (The Andrews Sisters) (d. 1995)
• 1916 – Betty Furness, American actress (d. 1994)
• 1916 – Bernard Greenhouse, American cellist
• 1917 – Roger W. Straus, Jr., American publisher (d. 2004)
• 1917 – General Vernon Walters, U.S. military officer, diplomat (d. 2002)
• 1920 – Renato Carosone, Italian musician (d. 2001)
• 1921 – John Russell, American actor (d. 1991)
• 1922 – Ronald Smith, British pianist (d. 2004)
• 1922 – Bill Travers, British actor and director (d. 1994)
• 1923 – Hank Stram, American football coach (d. 2005)
• 1923 – Charles Tingwell, Australian actor (d. 2009)
• 1924 – Doug Ellis, British entrepreneur
• 1924 – André Franquin, Belgian cartoonist (Gaston Lagaffe) (d. 1997)
• 1924 – Nell Rankin, American singer (d. 2005)
• 1926 – George Martin, British producer
• 1929 – Sergio Leone, Italian director (d. 1989)
• 1929 – Ernst Mahle, Brazilian composer
• 1930 – Marcel Dubé, Quebec playwright
• 1930 – Robert Loggia, American actor
• 1932 – Dabney Coleman, American actor
• 1932 – Coo Coo Marlin, American race car driver (d. 2005)
• 1932 – Tongolele, US-born dancer in Mexican movies
• 1935 – Raymond Garneau, French Canadian politician and businessman
• 1936 – David Vine, British sports commentator (d. 2009)
• 1937 – Seri Wangnaitham, Thai dancer and choreographer (d. 2007)
• 1939 – Nikos Alefantos, Greek football manager
• 1939 – Janice Crosio, Australian politician
• 1939 – Bobby Hull, Canadian hockey player
• 1939 – Ruben Reyes, Filipino Supreme Court jurist
• 1941 – Van Dyke Parks, American musician
• 1942 – John Marsden, Australian lawyer, gay activist (d. 2006)
• 1942 – John Thaw, British actor (d. 2002)
• 1943 – Jarl Alfredius, Swedish news anchor (d. 2009)
• 1944 – David Atherton, British conductor
• 1944 – Blanche d'Alpuget, Australian novelist, biographer
• 1945 – Stephen Stills, American musician
• 1946 – John Paul Jones, British musician (Led Zeppelin)
• 1946 – Cissy King, American entertainer
• 1949 – Sylvia Likens, American torture victim (d. 1965)
• 1950 – Victoria Principal, American actress
• 1951 – Gary Nairn, Australian politician
• 1952 – Jim Ross, American wrestling announcer
• 1954 – Dean Hart, Canadian wrestler (d. 1990)
• 1954 – Ned Lamont, American businessman and political figure
• 1954 – Ross the Boss, American guitarist
• 1955 – Palmolive, British musician (The Slits, The Raincoats)
• 1956 – Mel Gibson, Australian actor and director
• 1956 – Willy T. Ribbs, American race-car driver
• 1957 – Bojan Križај, Slovenian skier
• 1958 – Shim Hyung-rae, South Korean filmmaker
• 1958 – James J. Greco, American businessman
• 1960 – Sandeep Marwah Founder of Film City, Noida, India
• 1962 – Francesca Lia Block, American author
• 1963 – Vic Grimes, American professional wrestler
• 1963 – Alex Wheatle, British novelist
• 1963 – Jerome Young, American professional wrestler
• 1964 – Bruce LaBruce, Canadian filmmaker
• 1966 – Martin Galway, Northern Ireland composer
• 1969 – Michael Schumacher, German seven-time F1 World Champion
• 1969 – Gerda Weissensteiner, Italian bobsledder and luger
• 1970 – Christian Duguay, American comic actor
• 1970 – Mahaya Petrosian, Iranian actress
• 1970 – Matt Ross, American actor
• 1971 – Cory Cross, Canadian ice-hockey player
• 1972 – Yoon Chan, South Korean actor
• 1972 – Nichole Nordeman, American singer
• 1974 – Alessandro Petacchi, Italian cyclist
• 1975 – Thomas Bangalter, French DJ (Daft Punk)
• 1975 – Jason Marsden, American actor
• 1975 – Danica McKellar, American actress
• 1976 – Angelos Basinas, Greek footballer
• 1976 – Alisen Down, Canadian actress
• 1976 – Dinara Drukarova, Russian actress
• 1976 – Nicholas Gonzalez, American actor
• 1977 – Lee Bowyer, British footballer
• 1977 – A.J. Burnett, American baseball player
• 1977 – Mayumi Iizuka, Japanese voice actress (seiyū)
• 1978 – Liya Kebede, Ethiopian model
• 1978 – Kimberley Locke, American singer
• 1978 – Park Sol-mi, South Korean actress
• 1978 – Mike York, American ice hockey player
• 1980 – Bryan Clay, American decathlete
• 1980 – Angela Ruggiero, American ice hockey player
• 1980 – David Tyree, American football player
• 1981 – Eli Manning, American football player
• 1984 – Billy Mehmet, Irish footballer
• 1985 – John David Booty, American football player
• 1985 – Linas Kleiza, Lithuanian basketball player for the Denver Nuggets
• 1986 – Lloyd Polite, American R&B singer
• 1986 – Jacob Timpano, Australian footballer
• 1986 – Jessica O'Rourke, American footballer
• 1987 – Leonidas Panagopoulos, Greek footballer
• 1988 – Rodrigo de la Cadena, Mexican artist and performer
• 1989 – Alex D. Linz, American actor
• 1989 – Julia Nunes, American singer and ukulele player
• 1989 – Anya Rozova, Russian model and America's Next Top Model contestant
• 1989 – Mustapha Hussein, Saddam Hussein's grandson, Qusay Hussein's son (d. 2003)
A little blogging music Maestro… “Those Were the Days,” by Mary Hopkin.

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Oh, Oh, Olio

Cliché Today

Oleo vs. Olio: Writing is about having fun. This blog is officially entitled Olio, which comes from the Spanish word olla, meaning pot – the kind you cook in, not the kind you light up. The mixture of ingredients in that pot is called olio. But the word also means A collection of various artistic or literary works or musical pieces; a miscellany. Oleo, on the other hand, is a spread made chiefly from vegetable oils and used as a substitute for butter. Writers sometimes resort to (not so) clever terms as well as clichés to describe things. Today’s blog post, taken from an earlier one, will walk you through an olio of clichés. Enjoy.

As American as apple pie: Although cliché is a French word Americans prefer a cliché to a soufflé. Today I’ll go against the grain and although I have no axe to grind, will give you the bottom line while we drill down to get the information that is on the money. Some clichés are as clear as mud and their meanings are rarely as pure as the driven snow. But today I will start at the crack of dawn and write, and though my thoughts may come as slow as molasses in January, I won’t beat around the bush, even if this column leaves me between a rock and a hard place.

Blood is thicker than water: The idea for today’s topic came from a relative whose emails could fill a bottomless pit. Though she sometimes can’t see the forest for the trees, at other times she can be the cat’s meow. Thus I will forget Clairton for today, which is for the birds, and sit back as cool as a cucumber to write today’s column come Hell or high water. Hopefully you’ll find this one funnier than a barrel of monkeys but I won’t count my chickens before they hatch. Compared to my other 400 posts this one is just a drop in the bucket. Oh, you might think that composing this is as easy as falling off a log but it is as hard as a rock to do this. Even a blind squirrel can find an acorn beneath an oak tree, so I’ll just get my feet wet and go with the flow.

A good rule of thumb: Before you leave this site remember the grass is always greener on the other side, so don’t be a stick-in-the-mud. Laugh and the world laughs with you. It can cause a ripple effect. Send this to your friends and give them something to crow about. Soon enough we’ll all be pushing up daisies. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Your sorrows will be just a drop in the bucket, knock on wood. Life is a bowl of cherries. Laugh and the world laughs with you and soon your troubles will be as hard to find as a needle in a haystack. Sorrow is not my cup of tea. There’s no use crying over spilt milk, let yourself go. Be as nutty as a fruitcake. Avoid bummers like the plague.

Wake up and smell the coffee: With the economy in disarray it is well to remember that a penny saved is a penny earned. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Don’t tempt fate, look out for number one. Times might be rough as a corn cob but it ain’t over till the fat lady sings. If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen. Politicians make me as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof and the political parties that caused this mess are like two peas in a pod. Birds of a feather flock together. They pulled the wool over our eyes then told us to put that in our pipe and smoke it. The bank CEOs who caused this mess by trying to pull a fast one need to take their attitude and stick it where the sun don’t shine. As voters we need to tell those asking for a handout, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” As we watched our 401K bite the dust until it bought the farm we needed to bite the bullet. Although there are dark clouds ahead every cloud has a silver lining. Do something to take your mind off your 401K. A watched pot never boils.

Take me out to the ball game: To take your mind off the economy, perhaps an athletic event is in order. Sit back, relax, and see who draws first blood. The game might be nip and tuck or a real barn burner. The teams might go at it like two heavyweights, fighting tooth and nail while the crowd goes wild as players give 110%. They certainly came to play. Yours is a blue collar team that shows flashes of brilliance but they are taking it one game at a time. Pretty soon your team will begin to take it to the next level. They thrive under pressure, rising to the occasion, and perhaps even breaking a record, as records are made to be broken. They control their own destiny. This is a must win situation. Your team was really dialed in. They left it all on the field.

Nothing ventured nothing gained: Now comes the time to wrap it up and put the pedal to the metal. We hope you enjoyed today’s column. Maybe we were pulling your leg a little. Maybe we were jerking your chain but don’t jump to conclusions. Was this satire or philosophy? You can’t judge a book by its cover. It is what it is. As for us, we’ll continue writing this tripe come Hell or high water. Most of what I write is on the tip of my tongue, and you can take that to the bank.

Next week we will get back to Clairton matters. Have a nice day.

A little blogging music Maestro... feel the pain--by my side--set me free--lost without you --broken heart--all we've been through--hold me close--my foolish pride--all night long--give you my heart--want you, need you, love you--all my love--more than friends--never let you go--more than words can say--when you walked into the room--when you came into my life--when I first saw you--dream come true--call on me--our love is forever, and the ever popular--oh baby....

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Helping With the Language Barrier

G-20 Summit to be held in Pittsburgh
(Em guys gonna meet in Pixburg n-at)

A public Service Announcement: Next weekend the so-called G-20 Summit, more formally known as the Group of Twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors, is scheduled to meet in Pittsburgh, PA. The summit will not only have an impact on the city itself but on surrounding communities, known as the Greater Pittsburgh Area. Many residents of the GPA speak colloquially. Therefore, in the interest of Political Correctness, today’s blog will attempt to guide residents of the GPA through some of the vernacular used by outsiders. Today’s blog will translate, paragraph by paragraph, news about the G-20 into Pittsburghese. So if you’re from Pittsburgh, Aspinwall, Baldwin, Beaver, Castle Shannon, Clairton, Crafton, Duquesne, Rankin, Moon, Mars, Swissvale, Coraopolis, Perryopolis or any other GPA location, this post could help you understand the foreigners – both international and New Yorkers - who will invade your Burgh.

Announcement and Press Release: The G-20 has announced it will hold this year’s Summit in the beautiful City of Pittsburgh. The downtown area is located at confluence of the Ohio, Monongahela, and Allegheny Rivers. Weather can be tricky in Pittsburgh this time of year so invitees are encouraged to pack attire appropriate for a sudden chill or a sprinkle of rain. Participants are encouraged to sample the excellent local repast and beverages. Merchants will often prepare sack lunches filled with local delicacies for later consumption.

Da Suits are comin’: A whole bunch of foreign fellas is gonna flap their gums dahn by Point Park, along the Mon, the Ahia, n the Alley-gainey. If yinz go to see ‘em, bring yer babushkas cause it might get chilly er slippy. If the forners ain’t et (jeet yet?) air prolly gonna go ta Pimantis fer a sammich n a Arn City er some pop. Some of ‘em ‘ll buy a chipped ham sammich in a poke fer later.

More information from the G-20 Press Release: Visitors to this area, one of the most beautiful in Pennsylvania, are encouraged to explore. Visit the sights. The South Side is an area of interest with neat homes and unique businesses. The East Liberty area has some fine Italian restaurants. The Strip District with its wholesale area is a local’s delight. As you pass through surrounding communities you might see some local residents sitting on their front porches enjoying life.

If you are fortunate enough to be invited to a home of one of the locals from Moon, Turtle Creek, Slippery Rock, et. al. you might enjoy a local delicacy of skewered pork and veal cubes breaded and fried like chicken, or even a backyard barbecue. Locals drink tap water, not seltzer, and after dinner, plates and utensils are immediately washed. Local pantries are usually well stocked. But don’t just drop in without an invitation or you may be in trouble.

What else the foners ‘ll do: Most of ‘em ain’t been in Pensivania and they’re gonna be nebby. They’ll drive around tahn ‘n at. They’re gonna go see da Sahside, so be sure to redd up. They’re gonna go to Sliberty fer some sgetti. Er they might go dahn by the docks to da Strip. Sit aht on yer stoop to see da strangers.

If you meet one of these ferign fellas, bring him home fer some city chicken er a cookaht in the backyard. Give ‘em water straight from the spiket, n use yer warshrag to redd up the dishes after supper. Show ‘em the food in yer cubbert. But if they try to just pop in, they could be up a crik cause maybe you dittent go ta Foodland or Jynt Iggle yet.

Other highlights of Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh was once known as the Steel City. Their football team is named “Steelers,” even though U.S. Steel, J and L Steel, etc. are gone or now only shadows of their former selves. Take a ride on the streetcars for an hour or so. Be prompt though for if you’re running late, they won’t wait for you. Keep the tickets in a rubber band as souvenirs. Pittsburgh is a safe city. It is not pretentious. The most common dog breed is a mongrel.

More stuff ‘bout the Burgh: Piksburgh still has da Stillers, but Jaynell n at closed dahn. Go on da streecar fer an ahr er so, but if yer late they won’t wait on ya. Put a gummband around the tickets. Don’t be ascared in Picksburg. It ain’t uppity. Most dogs are Heinz 57 n at.

Final note to locals: As you can see, there’s gonna be a whole bunch a strangers in tahn next week – maybe a hunnert thousan. They’ll be driving rented Chiys n at, so be careful if ur on the Bulvard Dallies or da Parkway er in Carnaygee. Use ur blinkers n be as careful as if ur drivin a baby buggy. Don’t be ignernt to em er a jagoff n at. Get some kranz an make some “Welcome” signs. If ur in the park share the sliding board with em. If they sit at ur table in the park, skootch over for em. Maybe even buy em a sno-cone. And don’t let them know you feel sorry for them ‘cause when they get back home they won’t have Klondikes, jumbo sammiches, lightning bugs, jagger bushes, er a decent caach to sit on. They don’t know who Marn Cope was or da Bus and probly never saw Bill Caher coach da Stillers. Listen to yer Mum when she tells you to be nice or you’ll get a lickin. Make sure all da forners go home with good memories. Dats it. Fort Pitt.

A little blogging music Maestro... “Pennsylvania Polka” by Frankie Yankovic.

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Silly is as Silly Does

A Silly Weekend Blog

Just got back from the ocean, Son of a Beach: For those of you who don’t keep track, I try to blog weekly. I usually gather material for the blog during the week and put it together on the weekend. But last week I took a vacation to the sunny climes of San Diego. More precisely, La Jolla, the home of Dr. Seuss, and one of the most beautiful beach towns in the land of fruits and nuts. Thank you for not burgling my house while I was away, but had you attempted to do so my watch cat would have hidden. Back in the days when I had a watchdog it would have pointed out the good silver. (Stupid dog. The silver is fake). So today’s blog will be mish mash and silliness.

My cousin Vinnie, er Steve: Before I left for my vacation I had an interesting week. My cousin Steve had gone to New Jersey for his annual vacation. (Don’t ask. I don’t know why). I promised him I’d water his veggie garden a couple of times during the week namely Tuesday and Friday. As I was having breakfast Tuesday the phone rang and it was security telling that I was listed as his emergency contact (I already knew that) and that water was leaking from under his garage door. “I broken water heater” I assumed so I called Steve but apparently AT&T does not work in New Jersey. So I drove to his house, opened the door and stepped up to my ankle in water. The entire house was flooded six inches deep. The culprit was a flex pipe under the toilet. I couldn’t reach Steve and had no clue with whom he was insured. Finally got it all figured and Steve (slosh, slosh) returned. So while I was in La Jolla Steve was staying in the flea bag motel that his insurance company paid for. My vacation was better than his.

Email gone mad: While I was gone Dr. Jerry emailed me a lesson on mathematics… or maybe it was on effort. You decide:

“Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable
mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing
will take you..

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its
the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.”

My friend Mike, a retired teacher sent me 20 Amorphisms: APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. - Like this: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the one's that mind, don't matter.

A little blogging music Maestro... “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights” by Freddie Fender.

Dr. Forgot http://drforgot.com

Its a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

It is better to keep your mouth shut and let them think you’re a fool, rather than open it and prove them right.

News you can use, not: Today’s blog is motivated by silliness. People are fighting over healthcare reform, fights are breaking out in town hall meetings, one group of politicians feel that rescuing two American journalists from North Korea was a bad thing. It all reminds me of an old Kingston Trio song that captured the state of the world nearly half a century ago but could be equally appropriate today.

“They're rioting in Africa, they're starving in Spain.
There's hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain.
The whole world is festering with unhappy souls.
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles.
Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch.
And I don't like anybody very much!

But we can be tranquil, and thankful, and proud,
For mans' been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud.
And we know for certain that some lovely day
Someone will set the spark off, and we will all be blown away.

They're rioting in Africa, there's strife in Iran.
What nature doesn't do to us, will be done by our fellow man.”

Real news of the day – Hero gets detention: Fifteen year old Amanda Rouse started her school day like so many others, crammed with 40 of her closest classmates on a big yellow Bluebird on her way to school. Later in the day she was again on the bus. But this was no ordinary day. As the bus rounded a bend the driver fell out of her seat, hit her head and was rendered unconscious. The bus careened out of control. That is, until Amanda quickly jumped into the driver’s seat and applied the brakes before any injuries could occur. Problem was, the California gal was not supposed to be on that bus in the first place. She had asked the driver for a ride home because she was feeling ill, but neglected to follow protocol for leaving school. Thus, her heroism was rewarded with a Saturday detention. She’s lucky. Given the financial state of the Land of Milk and Honey she could have been charged for the gasoline she used before bringing the bus to a halt.

Peel away the outside and a potential criminal walks: James Gallagher must have been a shifty looking person. Somebody allegedly observed him walk into a place of business and walk out with property that did not belong to him. The sleuths called the police and James was arrested for theft. As was his legal right, James requested a jury trial. The prosecution made their case and the defense made theirs. Both barristers were eloquent and the jury had a difficult decision to make. But after deliberating for a short time James was adjudged to be not guilty and released. The trial cost the courts about $30,000 but justice was served. Some say James got off Scott free but there will be no appeal. He was innocent any way you slice it. And the object he was alleged to have stolen? A 25-cent banana. The court prosecutor released the following statement: "It is not the cost of the item that determines whether we proceed with a prosecution, but whether there is sufficient evidence for a realistic prospect of conviction and it is in the public interest. "In this case, we felt that there was sufficient evidence and it was in the public interest for the prosecution to proceed." Apparently justice is not only blind, her judgement is impaired.


If you give a mouse a 20 he’ll want a handful more: One of my old psychology professors used to say that we must take care when extrapolating data from rat behavior to human behavior. “We must remember,” he would say, “Rats aren’t people, although some people are rats." He never spoke about the behavior of mice, but a bank in La Grande, Oregon probably feels qualified to speak on that topic. Seems a mouse somehow found its way into an ATM machine at a local bank. The little rodent made a nest with shreds of twenty-dollar bills. Everything was going fine for the little hickory dickery dock. No cat burglars approached the ATM and the clock didn’t strike one. But gas station employee Millie Taylor happened by to lick up some cash and she screamed (Eeeek, I suppose), as she opened the ATM door, then slammed it shut. An investigation showed that two bills were totally destroyed and another 14 were damaged. The mouse was trapped but set free outside the Chevron station. He was last seen looking for three blind buddies that were known to be his associates.

Oh where oh where has my little leg gone: If it weren’t for bad luck some guys wouldn’t have any luck at all. Jerry Ray Brock of Nashville, TN is apparently a career criminal whose specialty is burglaries. But it seems he’s not very good at it because he keeps getting caught and thrown in the slammer. He’s been unlucky outside of jail as well, having lost a leg which was replaced with an artificial one. After Jerry’s last burglary he hid out in Georgia but was caught and extradited back to Tennessee. That’s where his heartache begins. Jerry Ray was tossed in the slammer in Davidson County to await transfer to the big house while wearing an old wooden leg. He had a new one but claims the county mounties wouldn’t let him do the old two-step switcheroo. By the time he got to the State Penn (not Penn State) his new leg was nowhere to be found. Jerry Ray then turned jailhouse lawyer and sued the penal system for a half a mil. He’s discovered crime doesn’t pay but is hoping the state will.

A penny for your thoughts – without a thinking cap: We’re taking our annual vacation this week in San Diego, so this next item caught our eye. A luxury resort in nearby Rancho Bernardo usually sells its rooms for hundreds of dollars per night but is running a special. Rooms as low as $19! If you’re thinking, “There must be a catch,” you’re right. The resort that includes three pools, a spa, and a golf course will sell you the room on their “Survivor Package” that charges less than the rack rate based upon the number of amenities you are willing to sacrifice. For $19, guests give up breakfast, air conditioning, lights, sheets and even the bed. Staff will remove the mattress and headboard and leave a small tent instead.

Oh, and bring your own toilet paper. The manager says he hopes guests will return and pay full price on their next visit. No fair using soap and shampoo confiscated from prior visits.


A little blogging music Maestro... “Crazy World” by Ladyhawke.

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Olden Days and School Daze

The Days of Wine and Roses and Runny Noses

One must be “of a certain age:” Today’s blog is designed to stir the memories of those of us who, shall we say, are sufficiently ripe to remember them. From running boards to bushel baskets to washing and ironing, many tasks and icons once considered matter-of-fact are totally foreign to less senior generations. The first memory, hanging clothes out to dry comes from a blog reader in Western Pennsylvania. She reminds me that the first step, running a damp cloth across the clothesline was of utmost importance lest some of the grime from steel mills become a part of the laundry.

Airing your not-so-dirty laundry: Eleven easy (?) steps.

1.Before hanging wash, you had to walk the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth or sponge around the lines to prevent dirt marks on clothes.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order; always hang "whites" with "whites," and hang them first.

3. You never ever hang a shirt by the shoulders -- always by the tail! What would the neighbors' think?

4. Wash day on Monday! Never hang clothes on the weekend, or Sunday.

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!)

6. About to rain -- or presently raining -- was the best time to have clothes on the line since they would become "rain fresh." So what if it was lightning while hanging out clothes?!

7. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather . . . Clothes would "freeze-dry."

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one with the next washed item.

9. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were "tacky" and wooden ones would mildew and leave marks on clothes.

10. Clothes off of the line before dinner time. Never leave clothes on lines over night!

11. Remove clothes from line, shake hard, "watch for forgotten pins that could put an eye out!" and fold them into the clothes basket. Now they are ready to be ironed.

- IRONED?! Well, that's a whole other subject! And you think that hanging clothes took time, not as long as ironing; and unless you did put your eye out with a clothes pin, ironing was far more dangerous!

Health Care; a hot topic: Today the national debt just passed a trillion dollars and the geniuses in Washington are trying to figure out a Health Bill that will be revolutionary. Well, here is a suggestion, follow the model set by Dr. Booker, Dr. Rascatti, Dr. Cutuly, et. al. in Clairton in the old days. An office visit was five bucks. Home visit? Five bucks also, and no extra charge to come by and hang a “Quarantined” sign on your front door. Ok, inflation has decreased the dollar’s value so instead of $% charge $25 per visit. No office staff needed since there are no insurance forms to be completed and the nurse can set appointments.

School days, school days, good old Golden Rule days: A recent study listed the top seven discipline problems as: drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery, assault, and guns in the school. Way back when Moby Dick was a sardine, the same list might have included: talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, getting out of turn in line, wearing improper clothes, and not putting paper in wastebaskets. I remember a veteran teacher reflecting on his first day at a rural school in Montana. He was sent down to see the math teacher who was also the wrestling coach. As the fresh-faced teacher walked into the room he saw the veteran teacher had a male student pinned to the floor and wrapped up like a pretzel. He finally lifted the kid up and said, “Don’t ever do that again.” After class the newbie screwed up enough courage to ask what rule had caused the discipline, and without blinking an eye he said, “He came in late.”

Hire the best and the brightest: A recent teacher interview was completed and the potential teacher was asked if there were any questions. The prospective teacher said:

"Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning...

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps..

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?'"


A little blogging music Maestro... From the 1958 movie of the same name, Doris Day sings “Teacher’s Pet.”

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Put Downs and Stand Ups

The Art of the Putdown
And one who did something about it.

Humor international: During my college days – the late 19th century I believe but cannot remember for sure – I had a most interesting and diverse roommate. He was Chinese, born in Shanghai, but reared in Peru. He was a series of contradictions; Chinese but 6’2” reared in South America but spoke English without an accent, and named Sandy. The years went by and we went our separate ways, but always stayed in contact. Sandy had an exciting job that took him to domiciles in North America, South America, Europe and Asia. He is now retired and lives half the year in California and half in Thailand. Sandy has retained his razor sharp wit and recently sent me a series of insults and putdowns attributed to notable people. I would like to share them with you:

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,
"Whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." -
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." –
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt she always yielded easily." -
- Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they don't go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

The classic exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Do unto others – but do it first: In response to the quotes sent to me by Sandy I’ll add a few of my own, proving once again that two wasted youths are better than one.

A woman bet her friend that she could get Calvin Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do. She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."
"You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.
~Author Unknown

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
~Mark Twain

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
~P.G. Wodehouse

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
~English professor, Ohio University

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
~David Gerrold

"When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?"
--David Letterman

The above comments are fodder for humor. But when the depiction of groups of people becomes represented as “accurate" in the media, it is no longer humorous but unfair and serves no useful purpose.

Some words and images are designed to hurt: Dr. Jack Shaheen was born and reared in Clairton, PA. The graduate of Clairton High School went to Hollywood after graduation to get an insider’s view of the world of entertainment. Clairton had been a classic example of a melting pot during Jack’s youth – Anglos, Germans, Hispanics, Asians, Arabs, African Americans, and countless others all working, living, and shopping together in his hometown. So it was that he was taken aback by the stereotyping he witnessed in the entertainment industry. From the Step-and-fetch-it portrayal of African Americans, to the “Only good Indian is a dead Indian” portrayal, to the terrorist portrayal of Arabs, the stereotypes were both unfair and inaccurate. Young Jack decided to devote his life and work to include lectures and writings that illustrate damaging racial and ethnic stereotypes of Asians, African Americans, Native Americans and other innocent people.

From youngster to scholar: Dr. Shaheen, Professor Emeritus at Southern Illinois University is an Oxford Research Scholar and the recipient of two Fulbright teaching awards. He holds degrees from the Carnegie Institute of Technology, (Carnegie-Mellon University), Pennsylvania State University, and the University of Missouri. He has authored four books and more than 300 essays. He’s delivered lectures in all 50 states and on three continents and is a former CBS consultant on Middle East Affairs. He has won numerous awards recognizing his “outstanding contribution towards a better understanding of our global community.” He is an internationally acclaimed author and media critic, and a committed internationalist and a devoted humanist. Dr. Jack Shaheen, Clairton boy.

A little blogging music maestro… “We Are the World” by Dan Aykroyd, Harry Belafonte, Lindsey Buckingham, Kim Carnes, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan, Sheila E., Bob Geldof, Hall and Oates, James Ingram, Jackie Jackson, LaToya Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Michael Jackson, Randy Jackson, Tito Jackson, Al Jarreau, Waylon Jennings, Billy Joel, Cyndi Lauper, Huey Lewis and the News, Kenny Logins, Bette Midler, Willie Nelson, Jeffery Osborne, Steve Perry, The Pointer Sisters, Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson, Kenny Rogers, Diana Ross, Paul Simon, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Michael Boddicker - Synthesizers, Programming, Paulinho da Costa – Percussion, Louis Johnson – Bass, Quincy Jones – Producer, Michael Omartian - Keyboards, Producer, Greg Phillinganes – Keyboards, John Robinson – Drums

Dr. Forgot

http://drforgot.com
www.mifflintownship.org

Midterm Exam

MID-TERM EXAM

Ok boys and girls, it is time for your midterm exam. Get your pencils sharpened and answer the following questions:

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War Last?
a. 100 years
b. 200 years
c. 116 years
d. 101 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
a. Costa Rica
b. Panama
c. China
d. Ecuador

3) From which animals do we get cat gut?
a. Cats and rats
b. Sheep and horses
c. Gutter snipes
d. Catamarans

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
a. Januariski
b. Februarski
c. Octoberski
d. Novemberski

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
a. Horse tail
b. Armpit hair
c. Camel’s mane
d. Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
a. Canary
b. Dog
c. Yellowtail Tuna
d. Cannery Row

6) What was King George VI's first name?
a. King
b. George
c. Henry
d. Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
a. Puce
b. Crimson
c. Magenta
d. Purple

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
a. China
b. Australia
c. New Zealand
d. Viet Nam

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
a. Orange
b. Red
c. Black
d. Charcoal

Answers: C,D,B,D,D,B,D,B,C,A

POLITICAL SCIENCE

1. The baby boom is best exemplified by:
a. California Octuplet Mom
b. Lady who lived in a shoe
c. Bill Clinton
d. Governor of Alaska

2. Most famous African-American/French restaurant in New Orelans:
a. Louis and DaJaun’s
b. Ce est Collard Green
c. Chez What?

3. The porn industry has lobbied hardest for:
a. Less censorship
b. Skimpier outfits
c. A stimulus bill

4. The most fawned after person this week was:
a. Brad Pitt
b. Kate Winslett
c. Hugh Jackman
d. Barack Obama

5. During his trip to Canada, President Obama’s primary topic was:
a. The budget
b. Foreign relations
c. NAFTA
d. Canadian Geese

That’s your midterm quiz for today boys and girls. Remember the freshman mantra: “The more you study the more you learn. The more you learn the more you know. The more you know the more you forget. The more you forget the stupider you are. Conclusion: Studying makes you stupid.”

A little blogging Maestro… “What’s Goin On?,” by Marvin Gaye.

Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

What's in a name?

The radio mechanics Click and Clack are really, REALLY funny. I offer you names of their staff members:


Car Talk's Official Staff Credits

Accounts Payable Administrator: Imelda Czechs
Aegean Caterer: Sue Flockey
Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office: Dasha Chekhov
Air-Quality Monitor: Carmine Dioxide
Air Traffic Controller: Ulanda U. Lucky
Assertiveness Training Coach: Lois Steem
Assistant Director of Moral Support: Hugo Gurll
Assistant Director of Strategic Planning: Kent C. Detrees
Asst. Transportation Coordinator Orson Buggy:
Audience Response Analyst; Luke Warm
Australian Tour Guide: Joaquin Matilda
Auto Seat Tester: Fitz Matush
Back Seat Driver: Mischa Turnov
Bowling Coach; Menachem Down
British Doorman: Isaiah Olchap
Bunji Jumping Instructor; Hugo First
Business Forecaster: Luigi Bord
Chairman, Underemployment Study Group; Art Majors
Chief Negotiator: Bernadette Bridge
Children's Sleepover Coordinator: Amos Muhmahmi
Cleanliness Inspector: Adolph Deflor
Commencement Speaker; Gladys Overwith
Communications Director II : Noam Sayin
Compassion Coordinator: Ophelia Paine
Complaint Line Operator ; Xavier Breath
Conflict Resolution Specialist: Yvonne Apeesamey
Conservative Political Commentator: Eileen Tudor-Wright
Construction Manager: Dustin Dubree
Coordinator, 12-Step Recovery Program: Cody Pendant
Coordinator of Summer Visits to the Inlaws: Don Juan-Gogh
Corporate Spokesperson: Hugh Lyon Sack
Credit Counselor; Max Stout
Customer Car Care Representative; Haywood Jabuzoff
Defense Dept. Consultant: Major Error
Dental Hygienist: Ginger Vitis
Desi Arnaz Biographer: Ike Arumba
Director of Accounts Payable: Bill Shredder
Director of Delicate Electronics Repair: Anita Hammer
Director of Grad Student Transportation: Iona Heap
Director of Guaranteed Repeat Business: Lucinda Boltz
Director of Long-Range Strategic Planning: Kay Sera
Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder
Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath
Director of Top Secret Strategy: Donatello Nobatti
Downsizing Consultant: Candace Guy
Ebay Specialist: Selma Junkoff
Emergency Preparedness Director: Ron Lykell
Empathy Coach: Enzo Watt
Fact Checker, Mexico City Office: C.S. Verdad
Fashion Consultant: Natalie Attired
Head of Working Mother Support Group: Erasmus B. Dragon
Help Desk Coordinator: Doris Shutt
In-law Hospitality Provider: Emile Endicott
Insurance Agent: Heidi Ductible
Jeep Driver: Jocelyn De Contents
Liaison to the British Isles: Isaiah Oldchap
Long-Distance Truck Driver: Etienne Wheeler
Manager, Car Talk Listeners Rebate Program: Wendy Pigsfly
Marine Biologist: Frieda Wales
Marriage Counselor: Marion Haste
Mechanic's Assistant: Hannah Twomey
Montana Traffic Law Director: Hugh Jim Bissell
Moving Van Driver: Carrie Desofa
Museum Guide : Desdamona Lisa
New-Employee Training Program: Ewell Flounder
New York-based Dispute Settlement: Coordinator Hugh Talkinamee
New Truck Reviewer : Zbigniew Rigg
Official Spokesperson: Howie Vasive
Official Spokesperson: Lou Scannon
Ornithologist in Training: Luke A. Boyd
Overseer of Florida Voting Practices: Emmanuel Recount
Parole Officer: Willy Bolt
Political Consultant: Mark Iavelli
PR Director: Bea Esser
Practical Joke Evaluator: Odessa Goodwyn
Press Secretary: Don B. Zonozi
Proof Reader : Erin Spelling
Puzzler Tester: Otis S. Hard
Ratings Analysis Specialist: Rita Menweip
Rental Property Manager: Ulysses Up
Rental Property Manager: Condoleeza B. Broken
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore
Repo Agent: Carmine Now
Russian Intern : Igor Beaver
Russian Vacation Specialist: Ivana Veekoff
Self Esteem Coach: Mia Culpa
Senior Accountant from the Paris Office: Count De Monet
Senior Citizen Driving Instructor: Tonya Blinkeroff
Shop Foreman: Luke Bizzy
Solicitor of New Ideas: Obie Quiet
Staff Activities Coordinator: Dewey Hafta
Staff Priest: Neil Down
Staff Fact Checker: Neera Nuff
Staff Forger: Vera Similitude
Staff Grief Counselor: Ariel Bummerman
Staff Intern: Lois Rung
Staff Psychologist: Les Moody
Statistician: Marge Innovera
Tailor: Euripedes Imenedes
Tax Consultant: Lou Pole
Telephone Complaint Taker: Opal Lease
Urgent Response Coordinator : Candace Waite
Weekend Excursion Planner: Deepak Tumuch


A little blogging music, Maestro: "All Shook Up," by Elvis

Dr. Forgot

Zen of Sarcasm

A Doctor friend of mine, Dr. Sandra, sent me the following rules for life. I found them to be a solid basis for happiness. The author is Anon.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works.

19 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A little blogging music Maestro, From the Beatles, "Help!"

Dr. Forgot

A Little Pick-Me-Up

The Week of the Chuckle

No Phi Beta Kappa: Before we get to the serious stuff, let me share transcripts of some alleged 911 calls that I received. I will not reveal the city of origin but let’s just say it supposedly came from a city known for its Country and Western music:

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to faint.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Remember, these callers are the same ones who vote for our leaders.

Next, a little football humor to commemorate a great season despite the BCS providing their BS to Boise State. Quotes by coaches and players:

'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' - Bobby Bowden Florida State

'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'When you win, nothing hurts.' - Joe Namath / Alabama

'Motivation is simple.. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' - Wally Butts / Georgia

'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' - Paul Dietzel / LSU

'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. 'No, but you can see it from here.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring- give us the ball near the goal line.' - Matty Bell / SMU

'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' - Alex Karras / Iowa

'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' -Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' - Shug Jordan / Auburn

'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' - Darrell Royal / Texas

'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' - John McKay / USC

'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' - Murray Warmath /Minnesota

'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' - Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.' - Darrell Royal /University of Texas

'I've found that prayers work best when yo have big players.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' - John Heisman

A little blogging music Maestro… “Backfield in Motion” by Mel and Tim.
Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com

Read me also at http://vegasnews.squarespace.com/dr-forgot-andrew-r-nixon/

Happy Turkey Day

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY

Today is Thanksgiving Day, a time for reflection upon things for which we are thankful. Mine is an easy list to prepare – friends, family, yada, yada. But I am most thankful that the Bush Administration will be gone in less than 60 days. Unfair, you say? Kicking a man when he’s defeated, you say? Several lists have been made of Bush’s bungles. Just for chuckles, I’ll use the one by Paul Kiel posted on rinf.com. Ready?

Indicted / Convicted/ Pled Guilty

* Eric G. Andell - deputy undersecretary in charge of newly created Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools (previously senior adviser to Secretary of Education Rod Paige) plead guilty to one count of conflict of interest for using government travel for personal causes and was sentenced to one year of probation, 100 hours of community service, and fined $5,000.

* Claude Allen - Assistant to the President for Domestic Policy- resigned, pled guilty to shoplifting from Target stores.

* Lester Crawford - Commissioner, FDA- resigned in late September 2005 after only two months on the job. On October 17th, he pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts, making a false writing and conflict of interest. On February 27, 2007, Crawford was sentenced to three years of probation and was fined $90,000.

* Brian Doyle - Deputy Press Secretary, Department of Homeland Security - Resigned in wake of child sex scandal. Doyle was arrested on April 4th, 2006 and pleaded no contest on September 19, 2006 to seven counts of use of a computer to seduce a child and sixteen counts of transmitting harmful material to a minor. On November 17th, 2006 Brian Doyle was sentenced to five years in state prison and ten years of probation. He will also need to register as a sex offender.

* Steven Griles - Deputy Secretary at the Interior Department - is the highest-ranked administration official yet convicted in the Jack Abramoff scandal. In March 2007, Griles pleaded guilty to lying about his role in the Jack Abramoff scandal. Sentenced to 10 months incarceration.

* John T. Korsmo – Chairman of the Federal Housing Finance Board from 2002 to 2004 – pleaded guilty in 2005 to lying to the Senate and an inspector general. He swore he had no idea how a list of presidents for FHFB-regulated banks were invited to a fundraiser for his friend’s congressional campaign. On the invites, Korsmo was listed as the “Special Guest.” Got 18 months of probation and a $5,000 fine.

* Scooter Libby - Vice President Dick Cheney’s chief of staff - resigned after being indicted for lying to a grand jury and investigators in connection with the investigation stemming from the leak of Valerie Wilson’s covert CIA operative’s identity. Convicted on four of five counts, making him the highest-ranking White House official to be convicted of a felony since the Iran-contra scandal. Sentenced to thirty months imprisonment and a fine of $250,000. On July 2nd, after a judge decided that Libby would remain in prison during the appeals process, President Bush commuted Libby’s sentence by removing the thirty months in prison.

* David Safavian - former head of the Office of Federal Procurement Policy at the Office of Management and Budget - convicted of lying to ethics officials and Senate investigators about his ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff. On October 27, 2006, he was sentenced to 18 months in prison. He is currently appealing the ruling.

* Robert Stein - former comptroller and funding officer for the now disbanded Coalition Provisional Authority, Southern Central Region in Al-Hillah, Iraq - pleaded guilty to conspiracy, bribery, conspiracy to commit money laundering, possession of a machine gun, and being a felon in possession of a fire arm. On January 30, 2007 Stein was sentenced to nine years in prison and ordered to forfeit $3.6 million.

* Roger Stillwell - desk officer, Interior Department - pleaded guilty to failing to report Redskins tickets and free dinners from Jack Abramoff.

Resigned Due to Investigation, Pending Investigation or Allegations of Impropriety

* Philip Cooney - chief of staff, White House Council on Environmental Quality - a former oil industry lawyer with no scientific expertise, Cooney resigned after it was revealed he had watered down reports on global warming.

* George Deutsch - press aide, NASA - resigned amid allegations he prevented the agency’s top climate scientist from speaking publicly about global warming.

* Michael Elston - chief of staff to Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty - announced his resignation on June 15, 2007. Despite allegations that he’d threatened at least four of the eight fired US Attorneys, McNulty said Elston had served the Justice Department “with distinction for nearly eight years.”

* Kyle Dustin “Dusty” Foggo - appointed executive director of the CIA, the agency’s third-highest post, in October 2004 - resigned and was ultimately indicted on bribery charges related to the Duke Cunningham scandal.

* Alberto Gonzales - former Attorney General - resigned without explanation amidst investigations of the firings of U.S. Attorneys, the politicization of the Justice Department, warrantless surveillance, and the torture and mistreatment of detainees.

* Monica Goodling - former Justice Department liaison to the White House and senior counsel to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales - resigned on April 7, 2007 amidst the investigation of the firings of U.S. Attorneys.

* Michelle Larson Korsmo - deputy chief of staff, Department of Labor - Helped her husband (see John Korsmo, above) with his donor scam. Quietly left her Labor plum job in February 2004, about two weeks before news broke that she and her husband were the targets of a criminal probe.

* Howard “Cookie” Krongard - former State Department inspector general — accused of not properly investigating State Department contractor fraud in Iraq and Afghanistan; of retaliating against whistleblowers in his own office; and of not telling the truth about his knowledge of his brother’s ties with Blackwater, a State Department contractor. Faced with a possible perjury investigation, Howard Krongard resigned on December 7, 2007.

* Julie Macdonald - former deputy assistant secretary for fish, wildlife and parks at the Interior Department - resigned in May 2007 after an “inspector general’s report found she had improperly leaked information to private organizations, bullied staff scientists and broken federal rules.” The Department of the Interior is investigating many of her decisions regarding endangered species; so far seven have been overturned.

* Paul McNulty - Deputy Attorney General for the Department of Justice – resigned, after questions about his involvement in the U.S. attorney firings and his testimony to Congress about the firings.

* Richard Perle - Chairman, Defense Policy Board - resigned from Pentagon advisory panel amid conflict-of-interest charges.

* Susan Ralston - assistant, White House - resigned amidst revelations that she had accepted thousands of dollars in gifts from Abramoff without compensating him, counter to White House ethics rules.

* Janet Rehnquist - inspector general, Department of Health and Human Services - resigned on June 1, 2003 in the face of an investigation into her alleged efforts to block a politically dangerous probe on behalf of the Bush family.

* James Roche - secretary, U.S. Air Force - resigned in the wake of the Boeing tanker lease scandal, after it was revealed he had rather crudely pushed for Boeing to win a $23 billion contract.

* Kyle Sampson -former chief of staff for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales - resigned amidst the investigation of the firings of U.S. Attorneys.

* Joseph Schmitz - Inspector General, Defense - Resigned amid charges he personally intervened to protect top political appointees.

* Bradley Schlozman - resigned from his third and final post with the Justice Department after accusations of actively politicizing the department. He’s currently under investigation by the Department’s inspector general.

* Thomas Scully - Administrator, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services - shortly after Scully resigned in 2003, an investigation by the Department of Health and Human Services inspector general found that Scully had pressured the agency’s actuary to underestimate the full cost of the Medicare reform bill by approximately $100 billion until after Congress passed the bill into law. Scully was also hit with conflict of interest charges by the U.S. attorney’s office for billing CMS for expenses incurred during a job search while he still headed the agency. He settled those charges by paying $9,782.

* David Smith - deputy assistant secretary for fish, wildlife, and parks, Interior Department - resigned on July 21, 2006 after shooting a buffalo and accepting its skeletal remains and meat as an illegal gratuity. He eventually paid over $3,000 for the dead buffalo, but only after the internal inquiry had commenced. The Department of Interior inspector general also noted in a May 16, 2006 report that Smith’s involvement in the designation of Houston as a port of entry for imported wildlife in order to benefit a friend was inappropriate.

* John Tanner - Voting Rights Section Chief, Justice Department - resigned in December of 2007 and moved to the Office of Special Counsel for Immigration-Related Unfair Employment Practices. Already under suspicion for aiding efforts to politicize the voting section, the bumbling proponent of voter identification laws angered lawmakers with his comments that such laws actually discriminate against white voters because “minorities die first”. Even more impressive was his apology for the comment. The DoJ’s Office of Professional Responsibility is currently investigating his travel habits and those of his deputy.

* Sara Taylor - Deputy Assistant to the President and Director of Political Affairs at the White House, where she was Karl Rove´s top aide - resigned amidst the U.S. attorneys investigation and other probes of Rove´s alleged politicization of the government.

* Ken Tomlinson - Board Chairman, Corporation for Public Broadcasting; member, Broadcasting Board of Governors - resigned at the release of an inspector general report concluding he had broken laws in spending CPB money to hire politically connected consultants to search for “bias” without consulting the board. At BBG, a separate investigation found he was running a “horse racing operation” out of his office, and continuing to hire politically-wired individuals to do “consulting” work for him. After being nominated and serving another term, he finally stepped down from that spot earlier this year.

* Carl Truscott - Director, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives Bureau - resigned. A report by the Justice Department’s inspector general found that Truscott wasted tens of thousands of dollars on luxuries, wasted millions on whimsical management decisions and violated ethics rules by ordering employees to help his nephew with a high school video project.

* Paul Wolfowitz - World Bank President - resigned in May 2007 after a committee report found that he broke ethics rules by giving his girlfriend a substantial raise.

Nomination Failed Due to Scandal

* Linda Chavez - nominated, Secretary of Labor - withdrew her nomination in January 2001 amidst revelations that an illegal immigrant lived in her home and worked for her in the early 1990s. Chavez blamed what she said were the “search-and-destroy” politics of Washington.

* Timothy Flanigan - nominated, Deputy Attorney General (also Alberto Gonzales’ top deputy at the White House) - withdrew his nomination in October 2005 amidst revelations that he’d worked closely with lobbyist Jack Abramoff when he was General Counsel for Corporate and International Law at Tyco, which was a client of Abramoff’s.

* Bernard Kerik - nominated, Secretary, Department of Homeland Security - withdrew his nomination amidst a host of corruption allegations. Eventually pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor relating to improper gifts totaling tens of thousands of dollars while he was a New York City official in the late 1990’s. Subsequently, on November 8, 2007, Kerik was indicted on sixteen counts for bribery, tax fraud, and false statements with a maximum sentence of 142 years and more than $5 million in fines. Kerik has pleaded not guilty. For a rundown of Kerik’s myriad indiscretions, check out TPM’s Ultimate Kerik Scandal List!

* William Mercer - the former associate deputy attorney general and US Attorney for Montana - withdrew his nomination to be the permanent number three official at the Department of Justice on June 22, 2007 due to his role in the U.S. attorney firings.

* Hans von Spakovsky - Commissioner, FEC - nomination to another term after his recess appointment failed due to allegations that he’d worked at the Justice Department to suppress minority voter turnout.
Under Investigation But Still in Office

* Stuart Bowen - Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction (SIGIR) - was once admired for his successes while investigating allegations of waste and fraud in Iraq, but now employee allegations have prompted four government investigations into the Office of the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction (SIGIR).

* Lurita Doan - Administrator of the U.S. General Services Administration - still in office, despite investigations by both the Office of Special Counsel and the House oversight committee that found that Doan had “crossed the line” by suggesting that the GSA use its resources to help Republicans get elected.

* Alfonso Jackson - Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - following reports that Jackson told a business group in April 2006 that he once canceled a contract after the contractor criticized President Bush, an investigation by the HUD inspector general found that while Jackson told his deputies to favor Bush supporters, there was “no direct proof that a contract was actually awarded or rescinded because of political affiliation.” A second, criminal investigation was triggered in part by Jackson’s claim before Congress in May 2007 that “I don’t touch contracts.” That probe, now before a federal grand jury, has turned up evidence that Jackson may indeed have touched contracts - and steered them towards friends.

A little blogging music Maestro… “I Fought the Law and the Law Won,” by Sonny Curtis and the Crickets, Bobby Fuller, and The Dead Kennedys.

Dr. Forgot

http://drforgot.com

Read me also at http://vegasnews.squarespace.com/dr-forgot-andrew-r-nixon/