Political satire or reality?
We will do something a little different in today’s post. Rather that blather about our own political views, let me share with you the contents of an email I received from dear friend and colleague Dr. Jerry. We’ve omitted the illustrations from the original since my technical knowledge is not sophisticated enough to transfer them and my teen-age grandson does not have the time to show me how.
Without editorial comment I give you…
Written by Allan Uthman & Ian Murphy
with contributions from John Dolan, Eileen Jones, Alexander Zaitchik, & IOZ.
THE BEAST 50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA, 2008
50. Barack Obama
Charges: Beyond a few token acts of bipartisan marketing, Barry's major duty in the Senate was to avoid legislating, so he could pretend Washington-outsider status and nullify attacks on his non-existent policy positions. That's the thing about Obama and his candidacy: He was a blank slate, the pinnacle of vapid public relations—onto which the benighted masses may project their sincerest, yet unfounded, hopes in the wake of the worst administration in history. Couldn’t disown Rev. Wright, until he suddenly could, and then marred his first moments as president ahead of time by inviting a pastor whose advice to gays is just to refrain from sex for life. Promised not to run for president, then did; vowed to take public election funds, then didn't; backed telecom immunity, then accepted the nomination at the AT&T sponsored convention; expressed displeasure with Clinton's hawkish foreign policy and vote for war in Iraq, then named her as Secretary of State. And despite all that, he's plenty affable. There's nothing more loathsome than a likable politician.
Exhibit A: “Yes we can” is the “Just do it” of politics.
Sentence: Presiding over the decline of an exhausted empire.
49. M. Night Shyamalan
Charges: A font of mediocrity, Shyamalan's success as a screenwriter and director is more confusing than quantum mechanics. He peaked with the overrated, not-at-all-surprising The Sixth Sense and each proceeding film's been worse than the last. This year's The Happening was dumber than an inbred moth. A heavy-handed allegory about humanity's self-destructive environmental impact, starring pseudo-scientific killer plants and Mark Walberg's flared nostrils, it made us want to recreate a scene from the movie and jab ourselves in the neck with a crocheting needle.
Exhibit A: Gave himself the name “Night.”
Sentence: Surprise ending to next film: it was actually never made!
48. Barry McCaffrey
Charges: According to Seymour Hersh, the U.S. Army general committed “war crimes” during the Gulf War, ordering his men to murder retreating Iraqi forces after a ceasefire had been declared. More recently, as an NBC military analyst, he was one of the “message force multipliers” at the center of the Pentagon's Iraq war propaganda campaign, uncovered this year by the freedom-hating New York Times. After his 2001 retirement, he started BR McCaffrey Associates, a consulting firm designed to connect Pentagon buyers with military suppliers like Defense Solutions, a company McCaffrey's pitched shamelessly to Generals on Pentagon-sponsored trips to Iraq and Afghanistan, Congress and the American public via his NBC gig—all without disclosing the appalling conflict of interest.
Exhibit A: McCaffrey criticized Rumsfeld’s strategy from the start, calling the troop numbers “grossly anemic”—in private, while he assured MSNBC viewers that combat would be over in no more than three weeks.
Sentence: Fragged by Pat Buchanan.
47. Michelle Bachmann
Charges: Exemplifies the simmering, all-American fascism lurking behind the forced smiles of uptight church ladies throughout “real America.” Echoing Sarah Palin’s alarming hints about “helping” the media do its job, Bachmann’s casual call for a “penetrating” press investigation into “anti-Americanism” in congress was so dumb it made Chris Matthews seem smart. Once it occurred to the Oral Roberts University graduate that calling for witchhunts against Democrats might be a tad extreme for election season, she decided to just pretend she didn’t say it, and then she blamed Chris Matthews. Then she just blamed words. Then she denied it again. Then she won. Way to go, Minnesota’s 6th.
Exhibit A: BACHMANN: Actually, that's not what I said at all. COLMES: Well, I'm just — I'm reading your exact quote. BACHMANN: Actually that's not I said. It's an urban legend that was created. That isn't what I said at all. COLMES: We have — it's on tape.
Sentence: Assigned to conduct her own “expose” on anti-American views, in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan.
46. Thomas S. Monson
Charges: If Satan were real, and had a severely chapped anus from a fortnight of angry, unlubricated gay sex with an evil moon-dragon, we imagine it'd look a lot like Monson's disturbingly weathered face. As supreme cretin of one of this country's most ridiculous religions (just a nose behind Scientology), the Latter Day Saint did a divine job sanctioning and funding the “Yes on Prop 8” initiative to deny gays the right to be unhappily married. The Mormon faith is based on the existence and translation of magic, golden plates no one has ever seen except the charlatan who claimed they existed, kind of like the evidence that gay weddings threaten “traditional” marriage, which, to Mormons, is defined as between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman.
Exhibit A: “Choose your love, Love your choice.”
Sentence: Photographed at the Salt Lake City Marriot with an evil moon-dragon named Lance.
45. Nancy Pfotenhauer
Charges: A face so hewn can't be found in American politics outside of the Black Hills—or possibly the Speaker's office. The envy of any giraffe prostitute, her Coulterish neck suggests a correlation between head-shoulder distance and affinity for dissembling fascism. Past crimes include acting as head lobbyist for Koch Industries, which faced 97 indictments and four criminal charges to individuals for dumping benzene, until Koch donated $800,000 to Bush and other Republicans in 2000, and all the charges magically disappeared. As advisor and spokes-liar for the McCain campaign, Nancy touted offshore drilling as the desperate, calculated and completely ineffective solution to America's energy woes. She minimized the environmental impact, claiming “We withstood Hurricanes Rita and Katrina and didn’t spill a drop” of oil. There were, in fact, almost 600 spills. Other Pftotenhauer falsifications included pretty much everything else that passed her collagen-bloated lips.
Exhibit A: "But the rest of the state, 'real Virginia,' if you will..." We won’t.
Sentence: Projectile vomits crude oil whenever she attempts to speak.
44. Brett Favre
Charges: On the day of March 4th, the perp, a recovering drunk, pill-popper and hick preempted Ohio and Texas primary coverage to announce that his "career is over." Bathed in tears of self-importance, Favre broke the news with the composure one would reserve for describing the next 9/11. We get it: You throw a football. Your now official and permanent retirement, which is permanent and official, is a monumental news event. So, Favre decided to jam some more "vitamins" into his 39 year-old ass and sign on to a middling Jets squad, even though he admitted to leaving the Packers because they had no chance of getting him another ring.
Exhibit A: "I wanted to come across as genuine. I wanted to leave gracefully."
Sentence: Denied Sensodyne, arms and legs bound, encased in ice cream igloo.
43. You
Charges: You think it’s your patriotic duty to spend money you don’t have on crap you don’t need. You think Hillary lost because of sexism, when it’s actually because she’s just a bad liar. You think Iraq is better off now than before we invaded, and don’t understand why they’re so ungrateful. You think Tim Russert was a great journalist. You’re hopping mad about an auto industry bailout that cost a squirt of piss compared to a Wall Street heist of galactic dimensions, due to a housing crash you somehow have blamed on minorities. It took you six years to figure out what a tool Bush is, but you think Obama will make it all better. You deem it hunky dory that we conduct national policy debates via 8-second clips from “The View.” You think God zapped humans into existence a few thousand years ago, although your appendix and wisdom teeth disagree. You like watching vicious assholes insult each other on TV. You support gun rights, because firing one gives you a chubby. You cuddle falsehoods and resent enlightenment. You think the fact that 43% of whites could stomach voting for an incredibly charismatic and eloquent light-skinned black guy who was raised by white people means racism is over. You think progressive taxation is socialism. 1 in 100 of you are in jail, and you think it should be more. You are shallow, inconsiderate, afraid, brand-conscious, sedentary, and totally self-obsessed. You are American.
Exhibit A: You’re more upset by Miley Cyrus’s glamour shots than the fact that you are a grown adult who is upset about Miley Cyrus.
Sentence: Invaded and occupied by Canada; all military units busy overseas without enough fuel to get back.
42. O.J. Simpson
Charges: Jesus H. Christ, man. You literally get away with murder, to the astonishment of anyone capable of tying their own shoes. Then you write a book, coyly framed as “hypothetical,” in which you explain slicing and dicing your ex-wife and some poor shlub by describing her as a pain in the ass. You know the whole country is still gunning for you. And yet, you feel it sensible to try your luck one more time, because some guy in Vegas is selling a football you signed? Sure, O.J.’s sentence was too harsh to believe he wasn’t being punished for previous crimes of which he was acquitted, but did anyone think that wasn’t going to happen? O.J. could get 33 years for pissing on a tree, and he knew it, so at a minimum the whole “gimme my shit back” caper was unbelievably stupid, the product of a life in which consequences are things that happen to other people. At least now he can get to work on his next book, “If I was an idiot who got himself locked up for life after skating on a double homicide.”
Exhibit A: "I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it? Besides, I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas."
Sentence: Ghost of Howard Cosell narrates the remainder of OJ’s life: “This man, once a man of greatness, now a man fallen, disgraced, disgusting, reduced to defecating in an unenclosed, seatless toilet, in close proximity to other convicted felons, the indignity apparent on his sad, rapidly aging face. What an incredibly pitiful story is his.”
41. Mark Penn
Charges: The most overpriced gravedigger in the world. As Clinton’s Chief Strategist, this too-creepy-for-TV pollster steered what was initially considered a cinch presidential campaign with all the talent of Joseph Hazelwood at the helm of the Exxon Valdez. His laziness was explained by his strategy: Inevitability. Penn’s cheap, backfiring smears of Obama as a coke-snorting Islamic radical teenager, coupled with pathetic whining about the mean old press, gave Clinton’s campaign an odor as repugnant as his own playground-flasher looks. Like most reptiles, Penn was slow to adjust to environmental changes, racking up millions in direct mail fees while Obama plundered the internet, which Penn predicted wouldn’t have any impact in 2008. His very employment signaled a total abdication on the corruption/lobbying issue. But it gets worse: Mark Penn didn’t understand basic electoral arithmetic, announcing to colleagues that Hillary would win easily by gaining California’s 370 delegates, assuming, wrongly, a winner-take all vote tally. Despite the revelation of his woeful lack of elementary knowledge, Penn did not adjust his big-state strategy, ignoring the caucus states that Obama rode to victory, and to the end, seemed utterly baffled that a candidate could win without “any of the significant states.”
Exhibit A: After burning through $200 million before Super Tuesday, Penn now blames Clinton’s loss on inadequate funds.
Sentence: Surgically attached to Harold Ickes.
40. Free Credit Report.com guy
Charges: OK, he’s actually French-Canadian, but he invades America’s headspace every day. It’s bad enough that we have to see this albino smurf lip-sync some ad man’s grating jingles of financial woe fifty times a day. It’s bad enough that these ditties, as calculatedly infectious as bio-weapons, bounce around our skulls like a .22 caliber bullet. But the kicker is that this culture parasite and his “band” are hawking a scam. That’s right; freecreditreport.com isn’t free—in fact, it’s 15 bucks a month after the week-long “trial period.”
Exhibit A: There is a website where you can get a free credit report: It’s called annualcreditreport.com, and it was created in compliance with an act of Congress by the three big credit reporting agencies, Equifax, Experian and TransUnion. Then Experian set up freecreditreport.com, and their suicide-encouraging commercials, to cultivate and benefit from public confusion.
Sentence: Powering Ween’s tour bus with a stationary bicycle.
39. Caroline Kennedy
Charges: A limp, lifeless, murmuring slouch whose dearth of vivacity makes John Kerry look like Richard Simmons, Kennedy has the apparent focus and charm of a shock therapy victim on Haldol. If the Kennedy name (and fundraising pull) can carry this passive princess into the Senate, it could get a bottle of fish sauce elected. At least fish sauce doesn’t say “y’know” every three seconds.
Exhibit A: “I’ve spent a lifetime growing up around public policy issues.” Her dad died when she was 5.
Sentence: Badly injured in a car crash, Kennedy is rushed to the hospital, where she is attended to by a guy whose dad was an excellent doctor.
38. John Updike
Charges: Being foolishly wrong about absolutely everything for about a thousand years and counting. Getting rich applying faux gilt, and guilt, to the dull, pointless, overstuffed lives of New Yorker readers. Systematically tackles the big issues, and is subsequently dragged by them right into the end zone like Bo Jackson dragged Brian Bosworth. Latest attempt to capture the zeitgeist, The Terrorist, resulted in unintentionally comic transposition of Congregationalist soap opera to the Semtex demographic. Won’t learn, won’t quit. Like the Energizer bunny, only dumber.
Exhibit A: Apparently immortal, always a mark of evil.
Sentence: Eternity working for minimum wage in a university photocopy shop.
37. Keith Olbermann
Charges: The crazy man’s Howard Beale, Olbermann is an infuriating conundrum—a person who adopts mostly correct positions for mostly erroneous reasons. Olbermann has an uncanny ability to find the obtusest angle on any issue, delivering glancing blows to wide open targets. Perhaps this is why Olbermann only argues with various cameras, reserving interviews for Newsweek sycophants whose main role on “Countdown” is to listen to a series of uncomfortably leading yes or no questions and reply to each, “that’s right, Keith.” He’s been wearing out the impact of his “special comments” like a cheap sex doll for the ratings, rapidly diminishing their credibility by applying the same outraged, spluttering, accusatory tone to his uniquely unbearable all-caps missives, whether directed at White House war criminals or Clinton campaign PR hacks. Largely false accusations of anti-Hillary bias in the media found their mark with Keith, who wildly overreacted to relatively minor Clinton slights, while engaging in freakish logical contortions to justify Obama’s apparent deficiencies, despite sad pretenses to objectivity. Somehow, manages to seem dykier than Rachael Maddow.
Exhibit A: “I don’t vote…it's the only thing I can do that suggests even that I don't have a horse in the race."
Sentence: Obama loses in 2012 by one vote.
36. Ron Fournier
Charges: Since taking the reigns as AP Washington bureau chief in 2006, Fournier's steered the notorious just-the-facts wire service toward an opinionated brand of reporting he's dubbed “accountability journalism.” It sounds good, but when the country's most widely syndicated news outlet pawns its right-leaning opinions off as hard news, everybody gets a little more stupider. Fournier's “Obama walks arrogance line” article from March was the genesis of one such dumbed-down national conversation.
Exhibit A: Told Karl Rove to “Keep up the fight" in a recently revealed e-mail.
Sentence: Falling out with Rove, “accidental” plane crash.
35. Dina Lohan
Charges: Fame isn’t the only thing that screws up child stars; it starts with self-obsessed, psychopathic parents living out their failed ambitions through their hapless offspring (Dina has been telling false stories of her days as a Rockette and Broadway actress for years). Her college-aged daughter may be a rehab veteran and serial drunk driver, but that’s no reason for mom not to televise the warping of daughter number two, a pre-rhinoplasty 14-year-old with no discernible talent or personality who calls the absent Lindsay her “role model,” and an 11-year-old boy whose future mugshot will no doubt become iconic. You may think your parents sucked, but at least they didn’t do it on TV.
Exhibit A: Rarely has a person’s life been so succinctly synopsized by real events as when Lohan’s house caught fire with her minor children alone inside while she was busy accepting—no shit—a “Mother of the Year” award.
Sentence: Age, ugliness, poverty, obscurity.
34. Joe Scarborough
Charges: An incredulous, squinting brat, who's turned "Morning Joe" into the "My Super Sweet Sixteen" of cable news, Scarborough has a decent shot at being named the world's largest toddler by Guinness. He treats his MSNBC coworkers with less professional courtesy than the dead intern found in his congressional office ("Mika, don't make me backhand you").Between tantrums, Scarborough provided a litany of partisan misinformation and deliberate misquotations this year, claiming that Obama was the most liberal member of the Senate and would raise taxes on everyone, that McCain called for Rumsfeld's resignation, never changed his immigration policies and had no association with hatemongers on the religious right. Joe's immaturity is also apparent in his cartoonishly simplistic take on the American electorate, whom he purports to know intimately, ostensibly by way of his own bigotry.
Exhibit A: “I remember during the Valerie Plame episode. Remember, Bob Novak told us from the beginning, "This wasn't an ideologue that gave me the name. This wasn't Karl – this wasn't a Bush operation." And liberals, ‘Oh, he's lying, da da da da da.’ And then remember earlier this year, Bob Novak -- and, of course, Novak was right.”
Sentence: Mandatory stint in Rageaholics Anonymous, nuts shaved live on "Morning Joe" by Pat Buchanan, pubes glued to face with a mixture of pulverized Cheetos and Jamie Foser's stool.
33. Jeremiah Wright
Charges: It’s said that in politics, a gaffe is when someone tells the truth, like connecting 9/11 to blowback from America’s long history of Middle East meddling. But then again, sometimes they just say something incredibly fucking stupid, like that AIDS was created by the U.S. government to kill black people. Seriously, you don’t think the U.S. government could do a better job than AIDS? AIDS takes years to kill, spreads relatively slowly, and kills white people all the time. A CIA super-virus that can’t beat Magic Johnson? Unlikely. But beyond past statements of viral delusion, Wright’s weird-ass grandstanding at the height of the sound bite frenzy seemed to indicate he really didn’t give a shit whether Obama was elected president, and might even be jealous.
Exhibit A: “And I stand before you… with the hope that this most recent attack on the black church is not an attack on Jeremiah Wright; it is an attack on the black church.”
Sentence: Sickle cell anemia.
32. Ben Stein
Charges: Daddy got him a job as a lawyer and speechwriter for Nixon; since then his ethics have slid. Whether misrepresenting Democratic policies on Fox News or dry-humping free market mythology in The American Spectator, Stein's brand of conservatism is as credible as a memoir on Oprah’s reading list. Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, his 2008 anti-science propaganda film, would have made Leni Riefenstahl blush. He intentionally misquoted Darwin to link the theory of evolution to the Holocaust, earning the diehard Zionist a firm rebuke from the Anti-Defamation League, to which he replied, “It's none of their fucking business.” In his cinematic quest to paint a handful of fact-deficient creationist teachers as the oppressed soldiers of free speech, Stein willfully misrepresented himself to interview subjects, butchered their words with creative editing and infringed on a multitude of copyrights.
Exhibit A: Used portions of John Lennon's “Imagine” in his movie without permission or irony.
Sentence: ClearEyes replaced with a virulent strain of antibiotic-resistant staph.
31. Stephenie Meyer
Charges: She’s the unforgivably perky Mormon mom who wrote the Twilight Series of books, currently draining IQ points from Western Civilization. This silly wank-off vampire fantasy for teenage girls has been embraced by legions of sad, middle-aged women who fight for access to their daughters’ sticky copies of the books. It’s an embarrassing spectacle for all Americans who aren’t actively participating in it. Meyer admits she can't handle the better class of vampires and has never watched a whole vampire movie, even the more anemic kind: “I've seen little pieces of Interview with a Vampire when it was on TV, but I kind of always go YUCK! I don't watch R-rated movies, so that really cuts down on a lot of the horror. And I think I've seen a couple of pieces of The Lost Boys, which my husband liked, and he wanted me to watch it once, but I was like, ‘It's creepy!’”
Exhibit A: The hit movie version of Twilight, featuring Meyer’s dreary characters, a tiresome teenage girl and the pathetic “vegetarian” vampire who loves her, mooning around on first base for two hours and giving vampires everywhere a bad name.
Sentence: Meyer encounters a non-vegetarian vampire, who kills her immediately and gruesomely in front of an appreciative audience of horror film fans.
30. Antonin Scalia
Charges: The bullet-shaped conservative justice should have stuck to his old policy of not allowing anyone to record him, because the more we see of him, the worse he seems. Scalia drew back the curtain on his legendary mind last April on "60 Minutes," revealing the legal acumen of a gibbon with a Magic 8-ball. Asked about the legal atrocity of Bush v. Gore, Nino bravely replied, "Gee, I really don't want to get into, I mean this is—get over it, it's so old by now." This about a 2000 decision, perhaps the least legally defensible in recent history, which has had and will continue to have an incalculable impact on this country and the world. Scalia has sebaceous cysts older than Bush v. Gore. But it was Scalia's asinine, compartmentalized semantic parsing on torture that we hoped would give pause to his lionizers. Arguing that torture isn't "cruel and unusual punishment" because the subject hasn't been convicted of a crime, so he can't be "punished," the so-called Constitutional Originalist puts the framers in the awkward position of saying that it's wrong to beat up a convicted criminal, but it's just dandy to kick the shit out of him before he is even charged.
Exhibit A: “Mere factual innocence is no reason not to carry out a death sentence properly reached.”
Sentence: Broken on the wheel by James Madison.
29. Mary Matalin
Charges: Surgically mortified face creates the impression of a barely passable “earthling” mask worn by an insectoid alien, a possibility credited by her gradually digesting husband and her consistent locus at the Republican Party’s shifting center of evil. From Chief of Staff for original Mayberry Machiavelli Lee Atwater to Adviser to George W. Bush, Counselor to Dick Cheney and member of the best sales team in history, the White House Iraq Group, Matalin has served in more unholy positions than Jenna Jameson. To this day, Matalin simply denies the well-documented story of Atwater’s deathbed repentance, which is not surprising considering her main skill is obscuring reality. Matalin’s main contribution to undermining the truth and bolstering closet racism this year was publishing World Net Daily plagiarizing lunatic Jerome Corsi’s Obama Nation, a collection of blatant falsehoods that didn’t come close to meriting its non-fiction categorization, in her role as “Editor” of Threshold Books, a conservative imprint that inestimably diminishes Simon and Schuster’s prestige by its simple existence. Matalin called the book, riddled with easily debunked lies, “a piece of scholarship,” claiming it “does not set out to be a political book,” while Corsi himself said “the goal is to defeat Obama.”
Exhibit A: “This is a crime and -- and he did not commit a crime. He had a mis-remembrance of when it was that he heard about it, but clearly he's not one of the guys that revealed it in the first place, which the revelation of such was not a crime.”
Sentence: Sex with James Carville.
28. Frank Caliendo
Charges: The retarded man's Rich Little, Caliendo has been irritating Americans for nearly a decade, gaining recognition as the implausibly fat impressionist on the lethally unfunny "MADtv". Nicholson, De Niro, Shatner, Seinfeld.... no impression is too hackneyed for Caliendo, who mimics them all with the skill you'd expect from the hypertensive "funny guy" at the office. The only thing that could have made “Fox NFL Sunday” any worse was two John Maddens. Mission Accomplished, dickbag.
Exhibit A: His TBS vehicle, "Frank TV," is the least amusing thing to appear on television since the morning of September 11, 2001.
Sentence: New impersonation: The rotting corpse of Marcel Marceau.
27. Peggy Noonan
Charges: A Catholic hysteric who should be submitting poems about her kitty cats to online poetry-contest scams, Noonan’s call for “Patriotic Grace,” which is nothing more than a call for liberals to stop picking on Republicans for being wrong all the time, comes a little late, after actively helping the most despicable, character assassination-driven campaigns of her lifetime. Like her fellow elite conservative columnist David Brooks, Noonan feigned admiration for Sarah Palin until she got caught expressing her true opinion during an MSNBC commercial break, saying "it's over," and that McCain opted for “political bullshit about narratives.” Horrified at having her actual thoughts revealed and not the “graceful” bullshit she feeds her readers, Noonan scrambled to spin the extemporization, but eventually admitted Palin’s selection represented a “vulgarization” of politics, as if that was something new. She loved Bush when America did, and hated him when America did, and pretended she’d felt that way all along. An opinion columnist is supposed to express her opinion, not ours. Noonan is still writing speeches, but her vanity is her only client.
Exhibit A: “Intellectuals start all the trouble in the world.”
Sentence: Chained like Prometheus to a rock, to undergo a cycle of pregnancies and abortions for eternity.
26. Tila Tequila
Charges: A silicon “bisexual” whose purported attraction to women has led to her rise as reality show oxygen thief, self-proclaimed “Queen of Myspace” and horrible “musician.” Her songs make “Hamster on a Piano” sound like the final movement to Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Helping America convert its girls into self-debasing sluts with twisted values, calling themselves “strong women” all the while.
Exhibit A: "I'm shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic. Because I don't have that."
Sentence: AIDS.
25. Eliot Spitzer
Charges: A moralistic legal crusader who spent more on poon in an hour than the average American spends on food in a year, Spitzer would be somewhat less loathsome had he not gone after prostitution as a prosecutor. Like every paragon of public ethics, he was in private a mere pervert. That he might have been a decent governor for a state that badly needed one is just one more reason to hate him.
Exhibit A: “Governor Spitzer did not remove his mid-calf length black socks during the sex act.”
Sentence: Rest of life spent as hack columnist for Slate.com.
24. Plaxico Burress
Charges: This Giant prima donna kicked off 2008 by skipping minicamp, watching training camp from the sidelines, whining about his $3.25 million yearly salary and milking a phantom ankle injury. The receiver's laziness and ego resulted in a predictably lackluster year, which ended abruptly at a New York City nightclub, as he overestimated the tensile strength of his sweatpants holster.
Exhibit A: Name sounds like a rheumatoid arthritis medication.
Sentence: Traded to Detroit Lions.
23. John Fund
Charges: Membership on the Wall Street Journal’s editorial board requires that one be a cynical sophist, but the dog-faced Fund actually appears to be in love with lying. Fund has devoted himself lately to muddying up the election fraud issue by selectively promoting mostly spurious tales of ground-level Democratic voter fraud in an effort to obscure more credible stories about the GOP’s top-down machinations. Fund’s book, Stealing Elections, is replete with phony numbers and discredited stories—he even sources a well-refuted tale to a WSJ editorial he probably wrote. Fund delivers his lies with a sneering smugness that would merit facial pummeling even if he were truthful, but whipping conservatives into a creative frenzy of demonic fabrication against ACORN, creating the lamest conspiracy theory of the year (which even McCain hyperbolized absurdly) based on false registrations that ACORN themselves flagged a suspicious, and none of which could conceivably have led to actual voter fraud, reveals Fund to be against not fraud, but the simple act of registering voters. The endgame here is to pass Voter ID laws that will prevent 20 million legal voters in this country who don’t have the required ID from voting.
Exhibit A: “Republicans focus more on the rule of law.”
Sentence: Malfunctioning Diebold central tabulator flips public referendum on whether Fund should be fed to sharks.
22. PUMAs
Charges: Redefining feminism as “supporting Hillary Clinton, whether she wants you to or not,” and “defending” that feminism by embodying negative stereotypes of women as irrational and scornful, there was no demographic more painfully dumb than aggrieved Hillary backers plotting to defeat Obama. Drunk on a dream of vengeance for their queen, this strange minority picked up every despicable, paranoid, racist talking point they could from the worst of the right wing, even complimenting Sean Hannity on his “fair and balanced” coverage of Obama. Desperately twisting words in a sad attempt to tar Obama as a sexist and willing to subject themselves and their country to a probable assault on reproductive rights in the name of spite, the PUMAs comported themselves with all the dignity and sense of a false rape accusation.
Exhibit A: It’s hard to choose, but nothing was more ridiculous this year than hearing an obscenely rich Hillary fundraiser named “Lady de Rothschild” describe Obama as “an elitist.”
Sentence: President Palin appoints Mullah Omar to Supreme Court.
21. Michelle Malkin
Charges: It’s a remarkable achievement in unconscious projection that the author of a book called Unhinged could lose her fucking marbles over a patterned scarf in a donut ad, but that’s what Michelle Malkin did when she sounded the nutbar clarion call and sicced her half-cocked league of masturbators on Rachel Ray and Dunkin Donuts for the flatly absurd notion that they were sending a message of solidarity with Palestinians. Right, Michelle—you just can’t sell donuts without joining the intifada these days. What did the nauseously spunky Ray do to incur the wrath of the Malkinoids? She wore a black and white scarf. A paisley scarf. A scarf that was clearly not a kaffiyeh, which, by the way, is just a hat that Arabs wear, not some universal symbol of jihad. In terms of completely false outrage, the only thing that rivaled this travesty of reason this year was the “lipstick on a pig” metaphor panic. But what puts this embarrassing sham over the top is that Dunkin Donuts actually apologized and pulled the ad, rather than try to explain to the fact-phobic horde that they were just blind, raging idiots with the collective brain-power of a lobotomized howler monkey.
Exhibit A: “If your neighbor's got an "Obama '08" bumper sticker or lawn sign, you might want to double-check your door locks at night.”
Sentence: Deported to China for wearing red T-shirt.
20. Joe the Plumber
Charges: The Che Guevara of bald, pissed off white men. In a lot of ways, Samuel Wurzelbacher really does represent the average American—basing economic opinions on unrealistic expectations of personal future success, blaming his failure to meet those expectations on minorities and old people, complaining about deadbeats getting his taxes when he isn’t actually paying his taxes, and advertising his own rudimentary historical and mathematical ignorance by warning of creeping socialism in a country whose highest income tax rate has dropped by half in thirty years. “Joe” indeed symbolizes the true American dream—to become undeservedly rich and famous through a dizzyingly improbable stroke of luck. As American folk heroes go, Wurzelbacher ranks somewhere between Hulk Hogan and Bernie Goetz.
Exhibit A: "Social Security is a joke...social security I've never believed in, don't like it. I hate that it's forced on me."
Sentence: After blowing his fifteen minutes and all his money on coke and Thai
hookers, an infirm, elderly Joe finds that social security actually is a joke, and is finally forced to snake toilets for a living.
19. Ted Stevens
Charges: It’s amazing, really, what can take a 40-year senator down. You can take money for legislative favors, but whatever you do, don’t let your lobbyist friends give you a gaudy statue. Alaska owes its very statehood to Stevens’ willingness to break the law—he was illegally lobbying congress to pass the bill from within the Eisenhower administration in 1954. “We were violating the law,” he happily admitted years later. Stevens has gotten rich off his lack of integrity, and the friends it has brought him. And what friends they are, paying for a house-sized extension on his house, offering him land deals that multiply his money tenfold in six years, and all he had to do is funnel hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to them, bringing home between 500 and a thousand dollars per Alaskan annually. Finally busted after a lifetime of graft, charged and convicted on seven felonies, Stevens still very nearly won reelection. And people talk about Chicago.
Exhibit A: Four days after being convicted, Stevens told a debate audience “I have not been convicted.”
Sentence: Pushed through a series of tubes—each one narrower than the last.
18 The Clintons
Charges: Still around. Still married. Still rich. Still acclaimed. Still influential. Still sought. Still sanctimonious. Still aggrieved. Still phony. Still compromised. Still petulant. Still striving. Still self-pitying. Still self-important. Still important.
Exhibit A: Madame Secretary.
Sentence: Sniper fire.
17. Rod Blagojevich
Charges: Some things are worse than being bald—Blagojevic should have given that senate seat to John Edwards’s barber. A sad truth about Blago is that he’s not really in trouble for corruption, abuse of power or favor-trading, all of which are routines practices in just about every elected official’s office across the nation; he’s in trouble for being so damn rude about it, and for not being smart enough to realize what “appreciation” means to more careful favor-traders.
Exhibit A: “[O]ur recommendation is fire all those fucking people, get 'em the fuck out of there and get us some editorial support.”
Sentence: Flesh removed a pound at a time and used as topping on deep dish pizza, which he is force-fed while his wife spews obscenities at him and Eugene Robinson writes scathing editorials about it.
16. Rick Warren
Charges: Dubbed “America's Pastor” by The Nation, he's duped people from both sides of the political spectrum into thinking he's the kinder, fatter version of James Dobson. Though he is fatter, how could anyone think a man who—professionally—quotes a book written by a make-believe space-giant, instructing the murder of homosexuals, could be anything other than a delusional bigot? Still riding the undeserved wave of fame onset by a meth-head kidnap victim’s ownership of his pop-psych hybrid of churchy prudishness and self-help pabulum The Purpose Driven Life, Warren had a big year hosting a presidential forum at his gay-sounding Saddleback Church, helping to pass Prop 8 and being tapped to invoke said make-believe space-giant at Obama's inauguration. Plus, his neatly trimmed goatee is the queerest thing we've ever seen.
Exhibit A: “God tells us that he created all the land animals on the sixth day of creation, the same day that he created mankind. Man and dinosaurs lived at the same time.” Can you feel the wisdom?
Sentence: He shalt giveth The Lord a blumpkin and eatheth of the pie until he bursts.
15. Kwame Kilpatrick
Charges: Had a stripper party at the mayor’s mansion, at which his gate-crashing wife assaulted the entertainment. The stripper was later gunned down in an obvious hit, the second attempt on her life. The guns and bullets were Detroit Police standard issue. The cop investigating the incident alleged sabotage by two subsequent police chiefs and other officials, finding files deleted and reports missing. He was transferred. Nothing happened. Then Kwame was accused of having an affair with his Chief of Staff, which they both denied, perjuring themselves, until steamy text messages were released—the only part of this story that made national news, naturally. Other texts showed preferential treatment for friends in business contracts, but that’s just not very sexy. Oh yeah, he also assaulted a cop. Finally, “justice” caught up with the mayor—and gave him 120 days in jail. Even Kwame had to laugh, calling the sentence a “joke.”
Exhibit A: “I want to tell you, Detroit, that you done set me up for a comeback.”
Sentence: Stomped to death with eight inch clear heels.
14. Ashley Todd
Charges: As attention-getting devices go, trying to start a race war is a tad disproportionate. It’s a good thing this batty bitch was completely hopeless as a fraudster, or her 11th hour “big black Barack backer battered burgled and branded Barbie” ruse could have done a lot worse than throw Pennsylvania to McCain. It’s not surprising that log cabin bottom feeder Matt Drudge slapped the headline “Shock: McCain volunteer ‘attacked and mutilated’ in Pittsburgh” on his bafflingly popular website in big red letters, as he’s got about a 40% accuracy rating on the stories he “breaks.” We’ve tried feeling sorry for Todd, but the fact that she scratched the “B” backwards, because she was looking in the mirror, is just too damned funny.
Exhibit A: “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her cloths [sic] off, but its better if you do.”
Sentence: The reverse “B” never heals.
13. Joe Lieberman
Charges: A fickle, flabbery fiend reviled by both parties, Lieberman somehow finds himself more powerful than ever, failing forward by virtue of the Democrats’ unfalteringly chumpish lack of discipline. After promising that he was “not going to go to…the Republican convention, and spend my time attacking Barack Obama,” Lieberman went to the Republican convention and attacked Barack Obama. But that was just the beginning of his descent into a self-dug hole of betrayal that should have proved inescapable. Lieberman thought it was “a good question” to ask if Obama was a Marxist. He campaigned not just with McCain, but with Palin and down-ticket Republicans, another thing he said he wouldn’t do. But the most loathsome trait Lieberman exhibits is that most loathsome of all: Smearing dissent as treasonous. The kind of suppressive asshole who would accuse you of helping terrorists by beating him at checkers should not be Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security, and is not someone worth rewarding for his own dissent.
Exhibit A: “In matters of war, we undermine presidential credibility at our nation's peril.” “Sen. Obama doesn't come to this debate with a lot of credibility.”
Sentence: Lieberman awakes to find himself in the body of an impoverished Iraqi living in a small apartment with 12 family members and no electricity. Shocked by this inexplicable turn of events, he stumbles outside and cries to God, looking up just in time for the white phosphorous to hit him in the face.
12. John Edwards
Charges: For all his rhetoric about income disparity and his millworker dad, it was impossible to ignore Edwards’s raging vanity and not-so-slick southern-fried hucksterism. Even a smart phony would know that a $400 haircut and dolphin-smooth skin just isn’t the right look for a food bank photo op. And anybody knows that no nominee’s secret affair could survive the scrutiny of general election season—no Democratic nominee’s, anyway—so Edwards was knowingly jeopardizing the future of the world on the off chance the Enquirer reporter following him around, who already knew about the affair, wouldn’t find anything concrete. But hey, it’s not so bad, because, as Edwards stressed, his wife’s cancer was in remission when he began the affair. Classy guy.
Exhibit A: "I don't know if that picture is me. It could well be. It looks like me. I don't know who that baby is. I have no idea what that picture is."
Sentence: His prospects dashed and his fortune lost in collapsed hedge funds, Edwards toils the rest of his days as a millworker and Supercuts customer. Rielle Hunter dumps him for Dennis Kucinich’s wife, and every few days Ralph Nader stops by his studio apartment to piss on his futon and laugh.
11. Rush Limbaugh
Charges: The father of modern stupidity, Limbaugh spins reflexively, never struggling with issues, because he knows his conclusion must favor Republicans, and his only task is finding a way to get there. In other words, he may or may not actually believe what he’s saying, but it’s beside the point. His job is not to say what he thinks, but to instruct his listeners on what they should think. If the facts don’t agree, he can always change them, as his “ditto heads” are already armed against the contrary evidence with the all-purpose “liberal bias” attack. “Rush is right,” as the slogan goes, and all those nerdy reporters in the “drive by media” are lying, because they secretly love terrorists. It’s this creepily worshipful, breathtakingly infantile abdication of intellect to a blatantly dishonest hypocrite that makes Limbaugh’s audience so goddamn sad. These pathetic, insecure, failures of men look to Rush as the champion of their impotent rage, helping them to externalize responsibility for their own deficiencies, pinning the blame on those darn liberals and their racial and gender equality.
Exhibit A: You have to marvel at the sheer ignominy of someone who coins the term “Obama recession” two days after the election.
Sentence: Tiny speaker implanted in his inner ear which blares Randi Rhodes 24-7.
10. Bernard Madoff
Charges: Normally, the idea of a bunch of billionaires getting robbed blind for believing in a free lunch would amuse the hell out of us, but Bernie Madoff stole a lot of money from charity endowments, and is responsible for two suicides so far. Here’s a tip, Bernie: If you’re running the biggest scam since the Catholic church, handling billions of dollars, and all it takes to get busted is that some of your marks ask for their money back, you really should take some of that money and set up an escape plan. Still, he gets some credit for making Mort Zuckerman look like a jackass. The real villains here are Christopher Cox and the SEC, who investigated Madoff eight times, the last time specifically on suspicion of running a Ponzi scheme, each time “finding” no wrongdoing, which begs the all-too-familiar question of the last eight years: Satanically corrupt or grossly incompetent? Either way, Madoff was finally brought to justice… by his kids.
Exhibit A: "In today's regulatory environment, it's virtually impossible to violate rules ... but it's impossible for a violation to go undetected, certainly not for a considerable period of time."
Sentence: Sold into slavery.
9. Phil Gramm
Charges: Gramm’s blood-boiling “nation of whiners” comment was a pinnacle of class condescension in a year teeming with “let them eat cake” moments, but it was by no means an isolated incident. In fact, the ruinous state of our economy can be seen as the culmination of his career, one he spent derailing the economy in an effort to implement his anarchist regulatory philosophy, earning him the title "the most effective proponent of deregulation in a generation" from the New York Times. Gramm’s deregulatory death blows to fiscal sanity were brutal and several, including the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act (which repealed the post-depression Glass Steagall Act, designed to control speculation) and the Commodity Futures Modernization Act (which made it illegal to regulate credit default swaps), each of which enabled the Wall Street massacre in their own special ways. Forever pushing to incur public risk for private profit, Gramm was well-rewarded during his congressional career, and his plum position destroying the once-respected Swiss bank UBS’s portfolio for the past few years was only part of the payoff.
Exhibit A: "Most people don't have the luxury of living to be 80 years old, so it's hard for me to feel sorry for them."
Sentence: Mental depression with a golden anvil.
8. David Addington
Charges: In a nation fat with lawyers, it takes something special to be the worst of them all. If a White House legal argument is evil, unconstitutional and makes no actual sense, it’s a safe bet Grand Moff Addington is behind it. An expert in spook law since his early-‘80s stint as counselor to the CIA, Addington first hooked up with Cheney during the Iran-Contra hearings, even then pushing the “Unitary Executive” theory of unfettered presidential power and attempting to shoehorn dictatorship into the constitution. Addington thinks the president is above the law in times of war, which is awful convenient if you declare an endless war on a global battlefield. It’s this flimsy pretext on which the White House has evaded accountability for torture, domestic spying, and secret detention, proving that the best legal tools in DC are a straight face and a huge pair of balls.
Exhibit A: “I frankly don't know what you mean by the Unitary Theory of Government.”
Sentence: Declared an enemy combatant for farting in oval office; waterboarded with a fire hose by John Yoo.
7. Dick Cheney
Charges: Still alive. The amount of medical resources devoted to keeping this black hole of decency operational could have cured cancer by now, but if they had, Cheney would make sure to keep it a secret. Since Watergate, Cheney’s been fighting to rehab Nixon’s image, and he has succeeded in a way, by showing us all just how much worse a presidency can be.
Exhibit A: “It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.”
Sentence: Eaten alive by baboons.
6. Hank Paulson
Charges: The latest practitioner of the real Bush Doctrine, which is indistinguishable from Naomi Klein’s Shock Doctrine. This time, it was Paulson, not Powell, holding up a vial of toxic mortgage backed securities, but the similarly election-panicked congressional reaction’s been the same—a panicked passage of whatever crazy late-term legislation the White House wants, namely Paulson’s 3-page “Gimme the money and go away” bill, plus $150 billion in anonymous pork, in one last massive federal theft on the way out the White House door, costing more than the entire U.S. space program for its 50 years of existence, even in inflation-adjusted dollars. Paulson’s initial spending plan was the financial equivalent of blowing into a broken balloon, and his typically Bushian demands for unfettered power seemed appropriate for a guy who looks and sounds like the ghost-melted Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Exhibit A: “It’s a safe banking system, a sound banking system. Our regulators are on top of it. This is a very manageable situation.”
Sentence: Crushed by falling brokers.
5. Alan Greenspan
Charges: The mortgage meltdown may seem complicated, but it started simple, with Al Greenspan pegging the Fed fund rate at 1%. This made Treasury Bonds a fairly lame investment, and led to investors looking for other seemingly safe securities to buy, which led to a flourishing demand for mortgage-backed securities, which led to banks increasingly lowering their standards for mortgage applications, eventually giving liar loans away to anyone willing to take them, which used to be called usury. This led to a decline in the real value of these MBA securities due to high probabilities of foreclosure, but somehow they were still AAA-rated by credit agencies displaying either hopeless incompetence or criminal collusion. Even a monkey wouldn’t need a slide rule to see what would come next. But Alan Greenspan, super-genius guru of the glorious realm of the self-regulating free market, is totally flummoxed. Refusing to accept any blame for years as the housing bubble, long-predicted by out-of-favor economic realists, bloated and burst, only recently has Greenspan accepted even marginal responsibility, admitting only that he was “partially” wrong, professing a state of “shocked disbelief” that lenders couldn’t regulate themselves, and thinking to himself, “This isn’t how it worked in Atlas Shrugged!”
Exhibit A: “Parasites who persistently avoid either purpose or reason perish as they should.”
Sentence: Recurring role as a senile great uncle on new C-grade sitcom “Krugman’s Krew.”
4. George W. Bush
Charges: It’s hard—believe us, we know—to keep coming up with new things to say about this brutally stupid narcissist, who may have ruined this country irrevocably and certainly has ruined a couple of others, mugging amiably all the way. If anything good comes from Bush’s reign of error, let it be the death of the notion that vitally important, life or death decisions that affect the entire world should be made with one’s “gut.” We used to think that incompetence was just a good cover story for this administration, an excuse that masked their deliberate criminality, but it turns out that Bush and his inner circle are both treasonous, corrupt warmongers and inept fools. One good thing about him, though, is that he has no real interest in politics, and probably won’t give a flying shoe what happens to the world when his term is up. As he once put it, ““History, we don’t know. We’ll all be dead.” Here’s to George W. Bush being history.
Exhibit A: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
Sentence: Detained in formaldehyde-laced FEMA trailer without charges or counsel, sodomized by Lynndie England, declared guilty by military tribunal, set adrift naked on a small ice floe in the Arctic.
3. Sean Hannity
Charges: This relentlessly repugnant McCarthyite tool really outdid himself this year, in an all-out quest to otherize Obama in any way he could. This paranoid pustule is able to find a liberal conspiracy lurking behind any mundane occurrence, even attributing Obama’s selection as Time’s Person of the Year, an event as predictable as sunrise, to a pay-to-play scheme. Hopelessly outmatched shill Alan Colmes is finally leaving his role as Hannity’s doormat; he will not be replaced.
Exhibit A: "I never questioned anyone's patriotism."
Sentence: Wrongfully convicted of murdering Vince Foster, based on evidence falsified by Jerome Corsi.
2. John McCain
Charges: McCain vowed to run a clean, respectful campaign, and then accused Obama of pushing sex ed for kindergartners, calling Palin a pig, hanging with terrorists, being a welfare-loving Marxist, being an arugula-loving elitist and pretty much everything but conspiring with the Borg—but he didn’t really mean it, and he didn’t use Reverend Wright, so we’re all supposed to think he’s swell. McCain lied so blatantly and constantly that even cable news bootlicks were compelled to fact-check him, to which he and his surrogates responded by insisting on the same lies. When pressed on the Nixonian onslaught of falsehood, McCain whined that he wouldn’t have had to be such a mendacious prick if Obama had only refrained from raising so much more money than him. McCain pretended to give a shit about America, and then he picked a vapid ambition-hound to succeed him. His response to the economic crisis might as well have been to punch himself in the face. In every way he could this year, McCain burned up all the credibility he had stored up from decades of shameless worship by the press, utilizing every tactic he ever decried, exuding a heady aroma of bullshit and Alzheimer’s, and displaying an unrequited obsession with Joe the Plumber, and he still wound up a failed Faust even the Devil didn’t want.
Exhibit A: "In the 21st century nations don't invade other nations."
Sentence: Every time anybody says the word “surge,” McCain is shot in the leg.
1. Sarah Palin
Charges: If you want to know why the rest of the world is scared of Americans, consider the fact that after two terms of disastrous rule by a small-minded ignoramus, 46% of us apparently thought the problem was that he wasn’t quite stupid enough. Palin’s unending emissions of baffling, evasive incoherence should have disqualified her for any position that involved a desk, let alone placing her one erratic heartbeat from the presidency. The press strained mightily to feign respect for her, praising a debate performance that involved no debate, calling her a “great speaker” when her only speech was primarily a litany of insults to city-dwellers, echoing bogus sexism charges when a male Palin would have been boiled alive for the Couric interview alone, and lionizing her as she used her baby as a Pro-life stage prop before crowds who cooed when they should have been hurling polonium-tipped javelins. In the end, Palin had the beneficial effect of splitting her party between her admirers and people who can read.
Exhibit A: Waving her embryo-loving credentials, in the form of her Down syndrome baby, at "But ultimately what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy."
Sentence: Hand-to-hand combat with Vladimir Putin and a pack of wolves.
A little blogging music Maestro: “The Establishment Blues,” by Rodriguez
Dr forgot
http://drforgot.com
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
More Memories
Even More Memories of Clairton
Some very clever seniors: Not sure about your emailbox but mine is rife with reflections of the “good old days.” I’m sure they were more old than good but human memory being what it is we have a tendency to reflect mostly on good nostalgia rather than the bad. Thus, as I reflect on the halcyon days of the 1950s and 1960s I often reflect on my hometown of Clairton, PA which is still frozen in my mind as the ideal Norman Rockwell painting setting. Others have shared the setting and written me with their own reflections which stimulated some of my forgotten memories. So, if you can stand one more Reflections of Clairton and 50s era post, read on.
Bridges to the Moon: A small orb was launched from Russia in 1957. It contained two dogs and from that moment the term Suptnik struck terror into our hearts as we were told that Russia was now the dominant world force. The theme of our high school graduation class was “Bridges to the Moon” and a young charismatic president promised the American public that we would place a man on the moon before the end of the 1960s decade. Both were prophetic as on July 21, 1969, even as our lexicon was beginning to include the words “Viet Nam,” an American walked on the moon. Clairtonian Ron Trunzo reminded me that when the Eagle landed on the moon the astronauts discovered Alice Kramden. You have to have been a fan of The Honeymooners sitcom to get than one. Other reflections from readers touched home so with a few tweaks to localize them, read and enjoy:
More Memories – in Technicolor: Someone asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?” We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, all the food was slow. Where did we eat?
It was a place called home. Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work we sat down together at the kitchen table for dinner, and if we didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until we did like it. My sister Kathy usually got to sit the longest because she didn't like much. Meals were called breakfast, dinner, and supper, not breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We had to have permission to leave the table.
Many parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. They had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Monkey Ward (Montgomery Ward) or Sears Roebuck - or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, Roebuck has gone the way of Monkey Ward.
Parents never drove their kids to soccer practice. This was mostly because we had never had heard of soccer. After a hard day at school, learning how to “Duck and Cover” in case the Russians bombed, we’d go home to family supper. I rode the neighborhood on a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow). It was a “boy’s” bike and had a bar that ran from the seat to the handlebars, as opposed to a girl’s bike that had no such bar. We didn't have a television set in our house until I was ten. It was, of course, huge and black and white.
TV test patterns came on at night after the last show and the Star Spangled Banner - and stayed there until TV shows started again the next morning. There were only 3 channels – WDTV Channel 3 from Pittsburgh (The “W” was required by the FCC, and DTV stood for Dumont Television Network), channel 5 from Johnstown and channel 6 from Pittsburgh that later changed its location to channel 11 and call letters to WIIC with the clever slogan, “the ones to watch.”
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It came from a local bar called Juliot's and was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. And Coke? Forget about it. We weren't allowed to drink it because according to my father, a neighbor girl almost died because she drank Coke. However, if we were very subtle about it we were able to sneak a drink of soda at our grandparents' house. My favorite was cream soda.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home but other things were.
The milk man from Keck’s or Aldrich’s dairy delivered milk in quart bottles with cardboard stoppers and cream that rose to the top. He’d leave the milk on the front porch early in the morning. Sometimes in cold weather the milk would freeze and pop the cardboard tops. Neighborhood cats loved that. The bakery man from Clairton Bakery, which is still in business, came three times a week. Mail came twice a day and stamps cost three cents.
Our grandparents did not speak English. Neither did the grandparents of nearly everybody I knew. But January 7 was a very special day for the Serbian, Greek, and other families who attended churches that had “Orthodox” in the name. It is Christmas day according to their calendar – exactly two weeks after the rest of the community celebrated Christmas. Kids lucky enough to attend those churches were often lucky enough to celebrate two Christmases.
I never had a telephone in my room. In fact, I didn't have my own room until I was almost a teen when the back porch was converted. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen to make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Many times they would listen in to our conversations. Later, since each house had only one phone line our father was able to get Buzzie, who knew about phones, to gerrymander a couple of extra hookups. Besides the one in the living room there was an extension at the top of the stairs, one in my parent’s bedroom, and one in the basement. But whenever the phone company repairman came by we had to hide all the phones except the one we were allowed to have. Our phone number was CL3-8054. Our neighbors was CL3-8654 and our grandparent's was CL3-7761, but our grandfather (Diedo), despite living more than 60 years in the U.S. never learned the English language and refused to learn how to use the phone.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. My first route was 21 Pittsburgh Press papers delivered seven days a week. My route included only Halcomb and Mitchell Avenues to the end of Halcomb next to the Niklas Car Dealership - they sold Studebakers. Later I got a Daily News route with 56 papers but no Sundays. When I collected 60 cents every two weeks, Smokey Decarlo’s wife Gloria always gave me a nickel tip. The paper cost five cents, of which I got to keep a penny and 1/4. The Sunday Press cost 20 cents.
I didn't ride my bike to deliver papers, I slung the canvas Daily News bag of papers over my shoulder. Then I folded each paper as I walked so I could toss them. My aim was pretty good. I never remember breaking a window or knocking down a drain spout. My favorite day was Saturday because the papers were only 18 pages - very light and easy to carry.
Our street, St. Clair Avenue, was not paved beyond the intersection that included the Corner Store, Gumble's Chevrolet, and Vitori's Esso station. The part that wasn’t paved was called an ash road, as ashes or other residue from the nearby steel mills were placed on the roadway. With cars rolling over the ashes, they became pulverized and a cloud of dust would rise each time a car passed. To keep the dust down the City contracted to have tar spread over the dust a couple of times each summer. That kept the dust down but drove mothers crazy as their kids would track tar into their pristine homes, so moms would cut up large cardboard boxes and lay them across the street to allow the kids to cross with minimum tar on the shoes. Parents sometimes took a snapshot of their kids using the Brownie Hawkeye camera with blue flashbulbs that worked sometimes.
Our parents never missed a chance to remind us that they were "Depression babies" and had learned to make do. Mom would poke holes in the top of an empty soda or wine bottle and make a sprinkler to dampen the clothes before they were ironed.
A little blogging music Maestro… “Those Were the Days,” the theme song from the sitcom of the same name.
Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com
Some very clever seniors: Not sure about your emailbox but mine is rife with reflections of the “good old days.” I’m sure they were more old than good but human memory being what it is we have a tendency to reflect mostly on good nostalgia rather than the bad. Thus, as I reflect on the halcyon days of the 1950s and 1960s I often reflect on my hometown of Clairton, PA which is still frozen in my mind as the ideal Norman Rockwell painting setting. Others have shared the setting and written me with their own reflections which stimulated some of my forgotten memories. So, if you can stand one more Reflections of Clairton and 50s era post, read on.
Bridges to the Moon: A small orb was launched from Russia in 1957. It contained two dogs and from that moment the term Suptnik struck terror into our hearts as we were told that Russia was now the dominant world force. The theme of our high school graduation class was “Bridges to the Moon” and a young charismatic president promised the American public that we would place a man on the moon before the end of the 1960s decade. Both were prophetic as on July 21, 1969, even as our lexicon was beginning to include the words “Viet Nam,” an American walked on the moon. Clairtonian Ron Trunzo reminded me that when the Eagle landed on the moon the astronauts discovered Alice Kramden. You have to have been a fan of The Honeymooners sitcom to get than one. Other reflections from readers touched home so with a few tweaks to localize them, read and enjoy:
More Memories – in Technicolor: Someone asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?” We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, all the food was slow. Where did we eat?
It was a place called home. Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work we sat down together at the kitchen table for dinner, and if we didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until we did like it. My sister Kathy usually got to sit the longest because she didn't like much. Meals were called breakfast, dinner, and supper, not breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We had to have permission to leave the table.
Many parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. They had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Monkey Ward (Montgomery Ward) or Sears Roebuck - or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, Roebuck has gone the way of Monkey Ward.
Parents never drove their kids to soccer practice. This was mostly because we had never had heard of soccer. After a hard day at school, learning how to “Duck and Cover” in case the Russians bombed, we’d go home to family supper. I rode the neighborhood on a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow). It was a “boy’s” bike and had a bar that ran from the seat to the handlebars, as opposed to a girl’s bike that had no such bar. We didn't have a television set in our house until I was ten. It was, of course, huge and black and white.
TV test patterns came on at night after the last show and the Star Spangled Banner - and stayed there until TV shows started again the next morning. There were only 3 channels – WDTV Channel 3 from Pittsburgh (The “W” was required by the FCC, and DTV stood for Dumont Television Network), channel 5 from Johnstown and channel 6 from Pittsburgh that later changed its location to channel 11 and call letters to WIIC with the clever slogan, “the ones to watch.”
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It came from a local bar called Juliot's and was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. And Coke? Forget about it. We weren't allowed to drink it because according to my father, a neighbor girl almost died because she drank Coke. However, if we were very subtle about it we were able to sneak a drink of soda at our grandparents' house. My favorite was cream soda.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home but other things were.
The milk man from Keck’s or Aldrich’s dairy delivered milk in quart bottles with cardboard stoppers and cream that rose to the top. He’d leave the milk on the front porch early in the morning. Sometimes in cold weather the milk would freeze and pop the cardboard tops. Neighborhood cats loved that. The bakery man from Clairton Bakery, which is still in business, came three times a week. Mail came twice a day and stamps cost three cents.
Our grandparents did not speak English. Neither did the grandparents of nearly everybody I knew. But January 7 was a very special day for the Serbian, Greek, and other families who attended churches that had “Orthodox” in the name. It is Christmas day according to their calendar – exactly two weeks after the rest of the community celebrated Christmas. Kids lucky enough to attend those churches were often lucky enough to celebrate two Christmases.
I never had a telephone in my room. In fact, I didn't have my own room until I was almost a teen when the back porch was converted. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen to make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Many times they would listen in to our conversations. Later, since each house had only one phone line our father was able to get Buzzie, who knew about phones, to gerrymander a couple of extra hookups. Besides the one in the living room there was an extension at the top of the stairs, one in my parent’s bedroom, and one in the basement. But whenever the phone company repairman came by we had to hide all the phones except the one we were allowed to have. Our phone number was CL3-8054. Our neighbors was CL3-8654 and our grandparent's was CL3-7761, but our grandfather (Diedo), despite living more than 60 years in the U.S. never learned the English language and refused to learn how to use the phone.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. My first route was 21 Pittsburgh Press papers delivered seven days a week. My route included only Halcomb and Mitchell Avenues to the end of Halcomb next to the Niklas Car Dealership - they sold Studebakers. Later I got a Daily News route with 56 papers but no Sundays. When I collected 60 cents every two weeks, Smokey Decarlo’s wife Gloria always gave me a nickel tip. The paper cost five cents, of which I got to keep a penny and 1/4. The Sunday Press cost 20 cents.
I didn't ride my bike to deliver papers, I slung the canvas Daily News bag of papers over my shoulder. Then I folded each paper as I walked so I could toss them. My aim was pretty good. I never remember breaking a window or knocking down a drain spout. My favorite day was Saturday because the papers were only 18 pages - very light and easy to carry.
Our street, St. Clair Avenue, was not paved beyond the intersection that included the Corner Store, Gumble's Chevrolet, and Vitori's Esso station. The part that wasn’t paved was called an ash road, as ashes or other residue from the nearby steel mills were placed on the roadway. With cars rolling over the ashes, they became pulverized and a cloud of dust would rise each time a car passed. To keep the dust down the City contracted to have tar spread over the dust a couple of times each summer. That kept the dust down but drove mothers crazy as their kids would track tar into their pristine homes, so moms would cut up large cardboard boxes and lay them across the street to allow the kids to cross with minimum tar on the shoes. Parents sometimes took a snapshot of their kids using the Brownie Hawkeye camera with blue flashbulbs that worked sometimes.
Our parents never missed a chance to remind us that they were "Depression babies" and had learned to make do. Mom would poke holes in the top of an empty soda or wine bottle and make a sprinkler to dampen the clothes before they were ironed.
A little blogging music Maestro… “Those Were the Days,” the theme song from the sitcom of the same name.
Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year
The following is a reprint of a piece I wrote to commemorate Independence Day 18 months ago. Read and enjoy, especially if you are a Western Pennsylvanian in fact or in spirit.
REFLECTIONS OF Clairton
Fourth of July 2007
Happy 231st Birthday to America. As far as reflecting about Clairton, according to “Early History of The Peter’s Creek Valley and The First Visitors” by Noah Thompson, the Ravensburg Patent was granted in 1791 which defined what is now Wilson. Later tracts of land that collectively made up the City of Clairton were surveyed by Samuel St. Clair (1784) and Samuel Wyile (1788). More about the historical beginnings of our city can be found in the following link: http://www.15122.com/YOHOGANIA/ClairtonHistory/clairtonhistory.htm
Clairton in the 1950s was a booming metropolis. We were known as the “Coke City of the World,” and the coke that our mills produced was neither drunk nor snorted but served as a component of the manufacture of steel. Virtually everybody had some family member who worked in a steel mill. We were naïve to the ways of the world although it was just about a dozen years after World War II had ended. Most of our fathers or uncles served in that war and many of us were the product of wartime relationships. The old joke was, “My parents wanted to name me ‘Furlough.’”
We did not understand the message of the KKK as most of us were an amalgamation of Europeans, Eastern Europeans, Catholics, Protestants, and Jews. CHS was naturally racially integrated and our common bond was high school football. Coach Neil Brown was spirited away from another school for his coaching prowess and his success coaching the football team was eventually rewarded with the principalship of CHS.
Benny Benack did a superb job with the marching band. On Friday nights the band would assemble at the high school and march the ten or so blocks to the stadium. Residents would crowd Miller Avenue and watch the parade. I can remember as a lad, watching the Honey Bears twirling their batons followed by the band in full regalia marching and playing fight songs. In fact for a long period of time I actually thought Notre Dame had stolen its fight song from the CHS band. Another memory of childhood was that It seemed the biggest, strongest band member was needed to carry that huge bass drum.
When I got into high school my athletic prowess was limited to shifting my Jeep into second and third gears and my musical ability tuned the radio. I was surprised when classmate who was the skinniest, scrawniest kid in the band, was the one to carry that big bass drum. I was also ecstatic when my own sister was selected to be a Honey Bear majorette.
And CHS was powerful on the football field. We won the WPIAL championship in 1954 led by Carl Pastore and Marion Vujevich, we had All State lineman Gary Kaltenbach and All American end Jim Kelly bringing glory to Clairton with their on-field exploits.
We were as patriotic to our country as we were loyal to our school. Reggie Desiderio went off to fight in Korea and was posthumously awarded our nation’s highest medal – the Congressional Medal of Honor. The Roll of Honor stood proudly near the police station and many families, including my own, erected a flagpole in their front yard to recognize the sacrifices of young men and women who served.
The patriotic holiday hoopla included Independence Day celebrations on the fourth of July. That was a day of “cookouts” and games and marked the halfway point of summer vacation. At night everybody sought the best vantage point to watch city sponsored fireworks displays. Since we lived at the end of St. Clair Avenue – there was no bridge to Clairton Park in those days; in fact, St. Clair Avenue was not even paved beyond Gumble Chevrolet at Seventh Street, we walked around the corner, to the edge of the hollow. From that vantage point we were able to see not only Clairton’s fireworks, but Glassport’s, and bits of McKeesport’s.
Remember and reflect where you might have been during those lazy crazy hazy days of summer and Happy 4th of July, 2007.
UPDATE: Happy New Year, and may 2009 bring us a little closer to those happy days of our childhood. Our children and grandchildren deserve no less.
A little blogging music Maestro… “Dream the American Dream” by Joseph Pokorny.
Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com
REFLECTIONS OF Clairton
Fourth of July 2007
Happy 231st Birthday to America. As far as reflecting about Clairton, according to “Early History of The Peter’s Creek Valley and The First Visitors” by Noah Thompson, the Ravensburg Patent was granted in 1791 which defined what is now Wilson. Later tracts of land that collectively made up the City of Clairton were surveyed by Samuel St. Clair (1784) and Samuel Wyile (1788). More about the historical beginnings of our city can be found in the following link: http://www.15122.com/YOHOGANIA/ClairtonHistory/clairtonhistory.htm
Clairton in the 1950s was a booming metropolis. We were known as the “Coke City of the World,” and the coke that our mills produced was neither drunk nor snorted but served as a component of the manufacture of steel. Virtually everybody had some family member who worked in a steel mill. We were naïve to the ways of the world although it was just about a dozen years after World War II had ended. Most of our fathers or uncles served in that war and many of us were the product of wartime relationships. The old joke was, “My parents wanted to name me ‘Furlough.’”
We did not understand the message of the KKK as most of us were an amalgamation of Europeans, Eastern Europeans, Catholics, Protestants, and Jews. CHS was naturally racially integrated and our common bond was high school football. Coach Neil Brown was spirited away from another school for his coaching prowess and his success coaching the football team was eventually rewarded with the principalship of CHS.
Benny Benack did a superb job with the marching band. On Friday nights the band would assemble at the high school and march the ten or so blocks to the stadium. Residents would crowd Miller Avenue and watch the parade. I can remember as a lad, watching the Honey Bears twirling their batons followed by the band in full regalia marching and playing fight songs. In fact for a long period of time I actually thought Notre Dame had stolen its fight song from the CHS band. Another memory of childhood was that It seemed the biggest, strongest band member was needed to carry that huge bass drum.
When I got into high school my athletic prowess was limited to shifting my Jeep into second and third gears and my musical ability tuned the radio. I was surprised when classmate who was the skinniest, scrawniest kid in the band, was the one to carry that big bass drum. I was also ecstatic when my own sister was selected to be a Honey Bear majorette.
And CHS was powerful on the football field. We won the WPIAL championship in 1954 led by Carl Pastore and Marion Vujevich, we had All State lineman Gary Kaltenbach and All American end Jim Kelly bringing glory to Clairton with their on-field exploits.
We were as patriotic to our country as we were loyal to our school. Reggie Desiderio went off to fight in Korea and was posthumously awarded our nation’s highest medal – the Congressional Medal of Honor. The Roll of Honor stood proudly near the police station and many families, including my own, erected a flagpole in their front yard to recognize the sacrifices of young men and women who served.
The patriotic holiday hoopla included Independence Day celebrations on the fourth of July. That was a day of “cookouts” and games and marked the halfway point of summer vacation. At night everybody sought the best vantage point to watch city sponsored fireworks displays. Since we lived at the end of St. Clair Avenue – there was no bridge to Clairton Park in those days; in fact, St. Clair Avenue was not even paved beyond Gumble Chevrolet at Seventh Street, we walked around the corner, to the edge of the hollow. From that vantage point we were able to see not only Clairton’s fireworks, but Glassport’s, and bits of McKeesport’s.
Remember and reflect where you might have been during those lazy crazy hazy days of summer and Happy 4th of July, 2007.
UPDATE: Happy New Year, and may 2009 bring us a little closer to those happy days of our childhood. Our children and grandchildren deserve no less.
A little blogging music Maestro… “Dream the American Dream” by Joseph Pokorny.
Dr. Forgot
http://drforgot.com
Monday, December 29, 2008
New Year and Pardons
Had a Cool Yule? Have a Frantic First
Pardon Me George: The end of any presidential term is laden with pardons from the president. They’ve all done it. But the list of the current prexy is longer than one might think. According to Wikipedia, his list of pardons includes:
1. James Leon Adams (1965 selling firearms to out of state residents and falsifying firearms records)
2. Kristan Diane Bullock Akins (1990 Embezzlement by a bank employee)[
3. Charles James Allen (1979 conspiracy to defraud the United States. A former federal employee, Allen was convicted for approving payments to James Hilles Associates Inc., a Virginia firm, for office supplies that were never delivered. In return, Allen received car parts, a radio, a freezer and other gifts from the firm. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
4. William Thomas Alvis III (Possession of an unregistered firearm, distribution of cocaine)[
5. John Allen Aregood a/k/a Johnny (Sonny) Aregood (Conspiracy to harbor and transport illegal aliens)]
6. Tony Dale Ashworth (1989 unlawful transfer of a firearm)
7. Alan Dale Austin (1987 misapplication of mortgage funds
8. William L. Baker (1980 falsifying records)
9. William Sidney Baldwin Sr. (1981 conspiracy to possess marijuana. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
10. Timothy Evans Barfield (1989 aiding and abetting false statements on a Small Business Administration loan application. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
11. Bruce Louis Bartos (1987 transportation of a machine gun in foreign commerce)
12. George Francis Bauckham (1958 unlawful detention or delay of the mail by a postal employee)
13. David Thomas Billmyer (1978 military conviction for making a false claim)
14. Eric Charles Blanke (Making impressions of obligations of the United States)
15. James Allen (Albert) Bodendieck, Sr. (1959 interstate transportation of a stolen vehicle)
16. Clyde Philip Boudreaux (1975 military conviction for borrowing money from enlisted men, accepting a noninterest-bearing loan from a government contractor and signing and swearing to a false affidavit. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
17. Gene Armand Bridger (1963 Conspiracy to commit mail fraud, and mail fraud)
18. Marie Georgette Ginette Briere (1982 possession of cocaine with intent to distribute)
19. Kenneth Charles Britt (1998 conspiracy to violate fish and wildlife laws)
20. Jeffrey James Bruce (1994 possession of stolen mail)
21. Charles Wayne Bryant (1962 theft of U.S. mail matter by employee)
22. William Bruce Butt (1990 bank embezzlement))
23. Mariano Garza Caballero (1984 dealing in firearms without a license)
24. Carl E. Cantrell (1967 moonshining)
25. Charles Winston Carter (1964 conspiracy to steal government property)
26. Meredith Elizabeth Casares (1989 embezzlement of US Postal Service funds)
27. Ronald William Cauley (1980 Misapplication of bank funds by an employee)
28. Steve Doyle Cavender (Conspiring to import, possess, distribute and dispense marijuana; importing and causing to be imported marijuana; possessing marijuana with intent to distribute)[
29. Cathryn Iline Clasen-Gage (1992 Misprision of a felony)[
30. Leslie Owen Collier (unauthorized use of a pesticide and violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act)
31. Thomas Kimble Collinsworth (1989 Receipt of a stolen motor vehicle that had been transported in interstate commerce)
32. Charles Russell Cooper (1959 bootlegging)
33. Milton Kirk Cordes (conspiracy to violate the Lacey Act, prohibiting importation into the country of wildlife taken in violation of conservation laws)
34. Anthony John Curreri (1976 Mail fraud)
35. Morris F. Cranmer, Jr. (1988 Making materially false statements to a federally-insured institution)
36. Dale C. Critz, Jr. (1989 making a false statement)
37. Richard Micheal Culpepper (making false statements to the federal government)
38. William Charles Davis (1983 income tax evasion)
39. Randall Leece Deal (1960 and 1964 liquor laws)
40. Brenda Jean Dolenz-Helmer (reporting or helping cover up a crime)
41. Paul Jude Donnici (September 23, 1993) Use of a telephone in the transmission of wagering information
42. William Henry Eagle (1972 moonshining)
43. Mark Alan Eberwine (1985 conspiracy to defraud the United States by impeding, impairing, and obstructing the assessment of taxes by the Internal Revenue Service and making false declarations to the grand jury. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
44. Rusty Lawrence Elliott (1991 Making counterfeit Federal Reserve notes)
45. Marie Elena Eppens of Lynden, Wash. (conspiracy to distribute and to possess with intent to distribute marijuana
46. Robert Carter Eversole (1984 theft)
47. Lydia Lee Ferguson of Sun City, Ariz. (conspiracy to distribute and to possess with intent to distribute marijuana
48. Gerald Douglas Ficke (1992 money laundering)
49. Harper James Finucan (1980 marijuana possession with intent to distribute)
50. Kenneth Clifford Foner (1991 bank fraud)
51. Anthony Americo Franchi (1983 tax evasion)
52. Colin Earl Francis (1993 accepting a kickback of about $9,000 for helping a vendor for United Technologies Corp.'s Sikorsky Aircraft division, where Francis worked at the time, land a contract. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
53. Victoria Diane Frost (1994 conspiracy to possess)
54. William Grover Frye (1968 AWOL and 1973 sale of stolen car)
55. Joseph Daniel Gavin (1979 military insubordination, drunkenness, threats, and other offenses)
56. George Glenn (1956 accepting $50 bribe while in military)
57. Eduviges Duvi Gonzalez-Matsumura of Clovis, Calif. (aiding and abetting embezzlement of bank funds)
58. George Clarence Greene Jr. (Mail fraud)
59. Samuel Wattie Guerry (1984 food stamp fraud)
60. Adam Wade Graham (1992 Conspiracy to deliver 10 or more grams of LSD)
61. Charles E. Hamilton (1989 mail fraud)
62. Stanley Bernard Hamilton 1990 (money order fraud)
63. Brianna Lea Haney (1991 failure to report monetary instruments)
64. Andrew Foster Harley (wrongful use and distribution of marijuana and cocaine)
65. George Thomas Harley (1984 aiding and abetting the distribution of cocaine. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
66. Rufus Edward Harris (1963 Possession and selling tax-unpaid whiskey)
67. Jesse Ray Harvey (1990 Property damage by use of explosives and destruction of an energy facility)
68. David Custer Heaston (1988 false statement)
69. Melodie Jean Hebert (1984 defrauding U.S. with false claims)
70. Obie Gene Helton (unauthorized acquisition of food stamps)
71. Carey C. Hice Sr. (income tax evasion)
72. Geneva Yvonne Hogg (bank embezzlement
73. Patricia Ann Hultman (1985 conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute and to distribute cocaine and other controlled substances. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
74. James Won Hee Kang a/k/a Won Hee Kang (Trafficking in counterfeit goods)
75. Bobby Frank Kay Sr. (1959 operation of an illegal distillery)
76. James Ernest Kinard, Jr. (1984 fraudulent firearms dealer records)
77. Richard Ardell Krueger (1979 mail fraud and 1980 and false statement on a loan application)
78. Devin Timothy Kruse (1979 AWOL from Coast Guard)
79. Margaret Ann Leggett (1981 false claims)
80. Raul Marin (1982 failure to appear in court)
81. Larry Paul Lenius (1989 Conspiracy to distribute cocaine)
82. Larry Lee Lopez (1985 Conspiracy to import marijuana)
83. Alan Stephen Maiss (Misprision of a felony)
84. Bobbie Archie Maxwell (1962 Mailing a threatening letter)
85. David B. McCall, Jr. (1997 False entry in bank books and aiding and abetting)[]
86. William Hoyle McCright Jr. (making false entries, books, reports or statements to a bank)
87. Paul Julian McCurdy (misapplication of bank funds)
88. Melvin L. McKee (1982 conspiracy to make false statements on a loan application)
89. Charles McKinley, (1950 moonshining)
90. Michael Mark McLaughlin (1983 mail fraud and conspiracy)
91. Craven Wilford McLemore (1983 Conspiracy to defraud the United States and Caddo County)
92. Denise Bitters Mendelkow (1981 Embezzlement by a bank employee)
93. Richard Harold Miller (Conspiracy to defraud the United States)
94. Michael Robert Moelter (1988 illegal gambling business)
95. Robert Earl Mohon Jr. (conspiracy to distribute marijuana)
96. Billie Curtis Moore (1977 income tax evasion)
97. Ronald Alan Mohrhoff (unlawful use of a telephone in a narcotics felony)
98. Richard Arthur Morse (1963 transportation of a stolen vehicle)[]
99. Gerard Murphy (1972 car theft)
100. Kenneth Lynn Norris (1993 unlawful disposal of hazardous waste)[]
101. Delano Abraham Nixon (Forging the endorsement on a U.S. Treasury check)
102. Joseph Mathew Novak (1994 possession and transfer of an illegal weapon)
103. Eric William Olson (1984 military conviction for conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute, possession with intent to distribute, possession, and use of hashish. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
104. Glanus Terrell Osborne (1990 possessing a stolen motor vehicle)[]
105. John H. Overholt (Concealment of information affecting Social Security benefits)
106. Morris Keith Parker (Misprision of a felony)]
107. Jerry L.(2005 armed bank robbery)
108. Fred Dale Pitzer (1976 transportation of falsely made securities)
109. Charles Blurford Power (1948 transportation of a stolen vehicle)[]
110. Michael John Pozorski (1988 Unlawful possession of an unregistered firearm)
111. Daniel Figh Pue III (illegal treatment, storage and disposal of a hazardous waste without a permit)
112. Robert Truman Reece (Unauthorized absence,missing ship's movement)
113. Thomas R. Reece (1969 violating the Internal Revenue Code pertaining to alcohol. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
114. James Edward Reed (1975 marijuana possession with intent to distribute)
115. Cecil John Rhodes (1981 false statement on a loan application)
116. John Louis Ribando (1976 and 1978 marijuana dealing)
117. Donald Edward Roessler (Embezzlement of mail matter)
118. Larry Gene Ross (1989 making false statements in a bank loan application. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
119. Ernest Rudnet (1992 conspiracy to file false tax returns)
120. Gary L. Saltzburg (1995 theft of government property)
121. John Gregory Schillace (1988 conspiracy to possess cocaine for distribution)[]
122. Russell Don Sell (1995 aiding and abetting a false statement on a loan application)
123. Scott LaVerne Sparks (1989 theft of government property)
124. Wendy St. Charles (1984 conspiracy to trade narcotics and cocaine distribution)
125. David Lloyd St. Croix (1989 disposal of stolen explosives)
126. Jearld David Swanner (1991 making false statements in a bank loan application. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
127. James Walter Taylor (1991 bank fraud. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
128. Johnson Heyward Tisdale (1994 food stamp fraud)
129. Issac Robert Toussie (False statements to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, mail fraud)(Revoked a day later)[8]
130. Edward Rodriguez Trevino, Jr. (1997 theft, convicted in military court)
131. Janet Theone Upton (1975 mail fraud. pardoned December 21, 2006)
132. Orion Lynn Vick (aiding and abetting the theft of government property)
133. Jerry Dean Walker (1989 cocaine distribution)
134. Joseph William Warner (1995 arson on an Indian reservation)
135. Mark Lewis Weber (1981 Selling Quaalude tablets, selling, using, and possessing marijuana )
136. Roger Charles Weber (1969 Theft from an interstate shipment)
137. David Lane Woolsey (Aiding and abetting violation of the Archaeological Resources Protection Act)
Issac Robert Toussie (False statements to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, mail fraud) George W. Bush has revoked his pardon after discovering Issac Robert Toussie's father donated USD $28,500 to the National Republican Party in April
George never was the best of readers: Perhaps the president saw the name of Isaac Robert Toussie and thought it was Lewis Scooter Libby, but once he realized his mistake, he corrected it – something he was loathe to do in Iraq, Katrina, and the list of other blunders while in office. But in honor of the whoops pardon incident, we will dedicate our own version of a song. Think of the melody of “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” with apologies to Glen Miller nad his fans.
Pardon me, George
My Daddy donated 28 grand,
Or was that twenty-nine?
I can’t remember, gimme mine.
I can afford
To to skip out on my felonies
My Dad’s got my fare
And he will send it anywhere.
I falsified some documents and I lied to the feds
Evaded lots of taxes and put HUD in the red
Inflated my appraisal
And now my nights and days‘ll
Be spent on my spaghetti and basil
Thank you George the pardon is just what I need,
It really has nothing to do with felonies or greed.
I’m so glad you’ve spoken
But, WHAT??? You’re now revoking
My pardon, now my garden
And all my graft will be going out to seed.
A little blogging music Maestro… “I Beg Your Pardon” by Kon Kan.
Dr. Forgot
Pardon Me George: The end of any presidential term is laden with pardons from the president. They’ve all done it. But the list of the current prexy is longer than one might think. According to Wikipedia, his list of pardons includes:
1. James Leon Adams (1965 selling firearms to out of state residents and falsifying firearms records)
2. Kristan Diane Bullock Akins (1990 Embezzlement by a bank employee)[
3. Charles James Allen (1979 conspiracy to defraud the United States. A former federal employee, Allen was convicted for approving payments to James Hilles Associates Inc., a Virginia firm, for office supplies that were never delivered. In return, Allen received car parts, a radio, a freezer and other gifts from the firm. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
4. William Thomas Alvis III (Possession of an unregistered firearm, distribution of cocaine)[
5. John Allen Aregood a/k/a Johnny (Sonny) Aregood (Conspiracy to harbor and transport illegal aliens)]
6. Tony Dale Ashworth (1989 unlawful transfer of a firearm)
7. Alan Dale Austin (1987 misapplication of mortgage funds
8. William L. Baker (1980 falsifying records)
9. William Sidney Baldwin Sr. (1981 conspiracy to possess marijuana. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
10. Timothy Evans Barfield (1989 aiding and abetting false statements on a Small Business Administration loan application. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
11. Bruce Louis Bartos (1987 transportation of a machine gun in foreign commerce)
12. George Francis Bauckham (1958 unlawful detention or delay of the mail by a postal employee)
13. David Thomas Billmyer (1978 military conviction for making a false claim)
14. Eric Charles Blanke (Making impressions of obligations of the United States)
15. James Allen (Albert) Bodendieck, Sr. (1959 interstate transportation of a stolen vehicle)
16. Clyde Philip Boudreaux (1975 military conviction for borrowing money from enlisted men, accepting a noninterest-bearing loan from a government contractor and signing and swearing to a false affidavit. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
17. Gene Armand Bridger (1963 Conspiracy to commit mail fraud, and mail fraud)
18. Marie Georgette Ginette Briere (1982 possession of cocaine with intent to distribute)
19. Kenneth Charles Britt (1998 conspiracy to violate fish and wildlife laws)
20. Jeffrey James Bruce (1994 possession of stolen mail)
21. Charles Wayne Bryant (1962 theft of U.S. mail matter by employee)
22. William Bruce Butt (1990 bank embezzlement))
23. Mariano Garza Caballero (1984 dealing in firearms without a license)
24. Carl E. Cantrell (1967 moonshining)
25. Charles Winston Carter (1964 conspiracy to steal government property)
26. Meredith Elizabeth Casares (1989 embezzlement of US Postal Service funds)
27. Ronald William Cauley (1980 Misapplication of bank funds by an employee)
28. Steve Doyle Cavender (Conspiring to import, possess, distribute and dispense marijuana; importing and causing to be imported marijuana; possessing marijuana with intent to distribute)[
29. Cathryn Iline Clasen-Gage (1992 Misprision of a felony)[
30. Leslie Owen Collier (unauthorized use of a pesticide and violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act)
31. Thomas Kimble Collinsworth (1989 Receipt of a stolen motor vehicle that had been transported in interstate commerce)
32. Charles Russell Cooper (1959 bootlegging)
33. Milton Kirk Cordes (conspiracy to violate the Lacey Act, prohibiting importation into the country of wildlife taken in violation of conservation laws)
34. Anthony John Curreri (1976 Mail fraud)
35. Morris F. Cranmer, Jr. (1988 Making materially false statements to a federally-insured institution)
36. Dale C. Critz, Jr. (1989 making a false statement)
37. Richard Micheal Culpepper (making false statements to the federal government)
38. William Charles Davis (1983 income tax evasion)
39. Randall Leece Deal (1960 and 1964 liquor laws)
40. Brenda Jean Dolenz-Helmer (reporting or helping cover up a crime)
41. Paul Jude Donnici (September 23, 1993) Use of a telephone in the transmission of wagering information
42. William Henry Eagle (1972 moonshining)
43. Mark Alan Eberwine (1985 conspiracy to defraud the United States by impeding, impairing, and obstructing the assessment of taxes by the Internal Revenue Service and making false declarations to the grand jury. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
44. Rusty Lawrence Elliott (1991 Making counterfeit Federal Reserve notes)
45. Marie Elena Eppens of Lynden, Wash. (conspiracy to distribute and to possess with intent to distribute marijuana
46. Robert Carter Eversole (1984 theft)
47. Lydia Lee Ferguson of Sun City, Ariz. (conspiracy to distribute and to possess with intent to distribute marijuana
48. Gerald Douglas Ficke (1992 money laundering)
49. Harper James Finucan (1980 marijuana possession with intent to distribute)
50. Kenneth Clifford Foner (1991 bank fraud)
51. Anthony Americo Franchi (1983 tax evasion)
52. Colin Earl Francis (1993 accepting a kickback of about $9,000 for helping a vendor for United Technologies Corp.'s Sikorsky Aircraft division, where Francis worked at the time, land a contract. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
53. Victoria Diane Frost (1994 conspiracy to possess)
54. William Grover Frye (1968 AWOL and 1973 sale of stolen car)
55. Joseph Daniel Gavin (1979 military insubordination, drunkenness, threats, and other offenses)
56. George Glenn (1956 accepting $50 bribe while in military)
57. Eduviges Duvi Gonzalez-Matsumura of Clovis, Calif. (aiding and abetting embezzlement of bank funds)
58. George Clarence Greene Jr. (Mail fraud)
59. Samuel Wattie Guerry (1984 food stamp fraud)
60. Adam Wade Graham (1992 Conspiracy to deliver 10 or more grams of LSD)
61. Charles E. Hamilton (1989 mail fraud)
62. Stanley Bernard Hamilton 1990 (money order fraud)
63. Brianna Lea Haney (1991 failure to report monetary instruments)
64. Andrew Foster Harley (wrongful use and distribution of marijuana and cocaine)
65. George Thomas Harley (1984 aiding and abetting the distribution of cocaine. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
66. Rufus Edward Harris (1963 Possession and selling tax-unpaid whiskey)
67. Jesse Ray Harvey (1990 Property damage by use of explosives and destruction of an energy facility)
68. David Custer Heaston (1988 false statement)
69. Melodie Jean Hebert (1984 defrauding U.S. with false claims)
70. Obie Gene Helton (unauthorized acquisition of food stamps)
71. Carey C. Hice Sr. (income tax evasion)
72. Geneva Yvonne Hogg (bank embezzlement
73. Patricia Ann Hultman (1985 conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute and to distribute cocaine and other controlled substances. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
74. James Won Hee Kang a/k/a Won Hee Kang (Trafficking in counterfeit goods)
75. Bobby Frank Kay Sr. (1959 operation of an illegal distillery)
76. James Ernest Kinard, Jr. (1984 fraudulent firearms dealer records)
77. Richard Ardell Krueger (1979 mail fraud and 1980 and false statement on a loan application)
78. Devin Timothy Kruse (1979 AWOL from Coast Guard)
79. Margaret Ann Leggett (1981 false claims)
80. Raul Marin (1982 failure to appear in court)
81. Larry Paul Lenius (1989 Conspiracy to distribute cocaine)
82. Larry Lee Lopez (1985 Conspiracy to import marijuana)
83. Alan Stephen Maiss (Misprision of a felony)
84. Bobbie Archie Maxwell (1962 Mailing a threatening letter)
85. David B. McCall, Jr. (1997 False entry in bank books and aiding and abetting)[]
86. William Hoyle McCright Jr. (making false entries, books, reports or statements to a bank)
87. Paul Julian McCurdy (misapplication of bank funds)
88. Melvin L. McKee (1982 conspiracy to make false statements on a loan application)
89. Charles McKinley, (1950 moonshining)
90. Michael Mark McLaughlin (1983 mail fraud and conspiracy)
91. Craven Wilford McLemore (1983 Conspiracy to defraud the United States and Caddo County)
92. Denise Bitters Mendelkow (1981 Embezzlement by a bank employee)
93. Richard Harold Miller (Conspiracy to defraud the United States)
94. Michael Robert Moelter (1988 illegal gambling business)
95. Robert Earl Mohon Jr. (conspiracy to distribute marijuana)
96. Billie Curtis Moore (1977 income tax evasion)
97. Ronald Alan Mohrhoff (unlawful use of a telephone in a narcotics felony)
98. Richard Arthur Morse (1963 transportation of a stolen vehicle)[]
99. Gerard Murphy (1972 car theft)
100. Kenneth Lynn Norris (1993 unlawful disposal of hazardous waste)[]
101. Delano Abraham Nixon (Forging the endorsement on a U.S. Treasury check)
102. Joseph Mathew Novak (1994 possession and transfer of an illegal weapon)
103. Eric William Olson (1984 military conviction for conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute, possession with intent to distribute, possession, and use of hashish. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
104. Glanus Terrell Osborne (1990 possessing a stolen motor vehicle)[]
105. John H. Overholt (Concealment of information affecting Social Security benefits)
106. Morris Keith Parker (Misprision of a felony)]
107. Jerry L.(2005 armed bank robbery)
108. Fred Dale Pitzer (1976 transportation of falsely made securities)
109. Charles Blurford Power (1948 transportation of a stolen vehicle)[]
110. Michael John Pozorski (1988 Unlawful possession of an unregistered firearm)
111. Daniel Figh Pue III (illegal treatment, storage and disposal of a hazardous waste without a permit)
112. Robert Truman Reece (Unauthorized absence,missing ship's movement)
113. Thomas R. Reece (1969 violating the Internal Revenue Code pertaining to alcohol. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
114. James Edward Reed (1975 marijuana possession with intent to distribute)
115. Cecil John Rhodes (1981 false statement on a loan application)
116. John Louis Ribando (1976 and 1978 marijuana dealing)
117. Donald Edward Roessler (Embezzlement of mail matter)
118. Larry Gene Ross (1989 making false statements in a bank loan application. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
119. Ernest Rudnet (1992 conspiracy to file false tax returns)
120. Gary L. Saltzburg (1995 theft of government property)
121. John Gregory Schillace (1988 conspiracy to possess cocaine for distribution)[]
122. Russell Don Sell (1995 aiding and abetting a false statement on a loan application)
123. Scott LaVerne Sparks (1989 theft of government property)
124. Wendy St. Charles (1984 conspiracy to trade narcotics and cocaine distribution)
125. David Lloyd St. Croix (1989 disposal of stolen explosives)
126. Jearld David Swanner (1991 making false statements in a bank loan application. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
127. James Walter Taylor (1991 bank fraud. Pardoned December 21, 2006)
128. Johnson Heyward Tisdale (1994 food stamp fraud)
129. Issac Robert Toussie (False statements to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, mail fraud)(Revoked a day later)[8]
130. Edward Rodriguez Trevino, Jr. (1997 theft, convicted in military court)
131. Janet Theone Upton (1975 mail fraud. pardoned December 21, 2006)
132. Orion Lynn Vick (aiding and abetting the theft of government property)
133. Jerry Dean Walker (1989 cocaine distribution)
134. Joseph William Warner (1995 arson on an Indian reservation)
135. Mark Lewis Weber (1981 Selling Quaalude tablets, selling, using, and possessing marijuana )
136. Roger Charles Weber (1969 Theft from an interstate shipment)
137. David Lane Woolsey (Aiding and abetting violation of the Archaeological Resources Protection Act)
Issac Robert Toussie (False statements to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, mail fraud) George W. Bush has revoked his pardon after discovering Issac Robert Toussie's father donated USD $28,500 to the National Republican Party in April
George never was the best of readers: Perhaps the president saw the name of Isaac Robert Toussie and thought it was Lewis Scooter Libby, but once he realized his mistake, he corrected it – something he was loathe to do in Iraq, Katrina, and the list of other blunders while in office. But in honor of the whoops pardon incident, we will dedicate our own version of a song. Think of the melody of “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” with apologies to Glen Miller nad his fans.
Pardon me, George
My Daddy donated 28 grand,
Or was that twenty-nine?
I can’t remember, gimme mine.
I can afford
To to skip out on my felonies
My Dad’s got my fare
And he will send it anywhere.
I falsified some documents and I lied to the feds
Evaded lots of taxes and put HUD in the red
Inflated my appraisal
And now my nights and days‘ll
Be spent on my spaghetti and basil
Thank you George the pardon is just what I need,
It really has nothing to do with felonies or greed.
I’m so glad you’ve spoken
But, WHAT??? You’re now revoking
My pardon, now my garden
And all my graft will be going out to seed.
A little blogging music Maestro… “I Beg Your Pardon” by Kon Kan.
Dr. Forgot
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Rudolph and Football
Merry Curmudgeonly Christmas + Football
Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer: Is it just me or does the Rudolph song smack of hypocrisy? Let’s take a look, “All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games.” Rudy was the object of taunting and bullying. His peers ganged up on him, blackballed him from the fun and games. We can presume that if there was a reindeer fraternity at Reindeer University, he would have been blackballed from membership. In a word, Rudy was excluded. Why? Because his nose was red. Maybe some of the gossip held that Rudy was a drunk and not fit to pull Santa’s sleigh, although the Big Man himself was said to sip a toddy or two that awaited him at the homes of the little kids.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, the Boss decided to further humiliate Rudy by using him as a fog light. Seeing the outcast get attention, the other bullies became toadies, “…then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee.” What a crew! It would serve them right if one of the tricks they played on Rudy that day was to serve him Ex-lax laden brownies and warm milk. Bah, Humbug! (P.S. I didn’t get the bailout I really wanted for Christmas).
Clairton legacy wins and loses: My favorite dentist and Clairton high classmate Dr. Ron, and his wife and fellow classmate Adele sent me a recent newspaper clipping about Pennsylvania State High School Football Championships. First, a little history about Clairton High School. During the 1950s Clairton was a mill town that personified the American dream. Many of the residents were first and second generation Americans whose families had migrated from Eastern Europe and beyond. They found work and prosperity mostly in the steel mills around the Pittsburgh area. By the late 1950s Clairton High School was bursting at the seams with war babies and was blessed with the best in music, sports, and academics. To alleviate the overcrowding a second school was built in a semi-rural bucolic location on Old Clairton Road. The inaugural class at Thomas Jefferson High School was comprised solely of former Clairton High School classmates. Curiously school rivalries did not develop between the two schools as their populations grew apart.
Fast Forward a half century: The demographics of both schools changed over the years. The recession in the steel industry of the 1980s crippled the Clairton economy and many of the best and brightest who left for college found more promise in jobs elsewhere. The community that fed Thomas Jefferson High School continued to thrive as white collar workers and business owners fled the rundown city whose tax base had withered, and moved to the newer, cleaner, more rural climes. The parent school struggled as the newer school thrived.
Football remained paramount: The one area in which the two schools stayed similar was athletics. Both schools continued to thrive. As Clairton shrunk in size and played in a smaller division the chances of the two schools playing one another faded. That is not to say strong links did not exist. One of Thomas Jefferson’s most successful coaches was a Clairton grad as were many parents of Jefferson students. Still, both schools played their sports in what Future Shock author Alvin Toffler might describe as “…in isolated proximity of each other.” Though their paths did not cross as opponents, they made history this year.
Class A and Class AAA championships: A couple of weeks ago the Pennsylvania high school football championships were held in the Hersheypark Stadium in Hershey, PA. Clairton High School played Steelton-Highspire for the Class A state title. Both teams sported identical 15-0 records coming onto the game. At halftime the teams were tied, not only in points but in speed and grit. But once the second half began, as so often happens in football, the ball bounced the other way for the Clairton Bears and they finished the game as runners up. Still, not too shabby.
The Clairton-spawned Thomas Jefferson Jaguars entered their AAA title game against heralded Archbishop Wood. The Jaguars stomped the Vikings 34-7 to become state champs for the second consecutive year and three of the past five seasons. Their record over the past seven seasons is 92-8. Just as the first year graduating class had an affinity to the Clairton Bears, so must many current and former Clairtonians be proud of the Jefferson Jaguars.
A little blogging music Maestro… “Rise to Glory” by DJ Quik.
Dr. Forgot
Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer: Is it just me or does the Rudolph song smack of hypocrisy? Let’s take a look, “All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games.” Rudy was the object of taunting and bullying. His peers ganged up on him, blackballed him from the fun and games. We can presume that if there was a reindeer fraternity at Reindeer University, he would have been blackballed from membership. In a word, Rudy was excluded. Why? Because his nose was red. Maybe some of the gossip held that Rudy was a drunk and not fit to pull Santa’s sleigh, although the Big Man himself was said to sip a toddy or two that awaited him at the homes of the little kids.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, the Boss decided to further humiliate Rudy by using him as a fog light. Seeing the outcast get attention, the other bullies became toadies, “…then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee.” What a crew! It would serve them right if one of the tricks they played on Rudy that day was to serve him Ex-lax laden brownies and warm milk. Bah, Humbug! (P.S. I didn’t get the bailout I really wanted for Christmas).
Clairton legacy wins and loses: My favorite dentist and Clairton high classmate Dr. Ron, and his wife and fellow classmate Adele sent me a recent newspaper clipping about Pennsylvania State High School Football Championships. First, a little history about Clairton High School. During the 1950s Clairton was a mill town that personified the American dream. Many of the residents were first and second generation Americans whose families had migrated from Eastern Europe and beyond. They found work and prosperity mostly in the steel mills around the Pittsburgh area. By the late 1950s Clairton High School was bursting at the seams with war babies and was blessed with the best in music, sports, and academics. To alleviate the overcrowding a second school was built in a semi-rural bucolic location on Old Clairton Road. The inaugural class at Thomas Jefferson High School was comprised solely of former Clairton High School classmates. Curiously school rivalries did not develop between the two schools as their populations grew apart.
Fast Forward a half century: The demographics of both schools changed over the years. The recession in the steel industry of the 1980s crippled the Clairton economy and many of the best and brightest who left for college found more promise in jobs elsewhere. The community that fed Thomas Jefferson High School continued to thrive as white collar workers and business owners fled the rundown city whose tax base had withered, and moved to the newer, cleaner, more rural climes. The parent school struggled as the newer school thrived.
Football remained paramount: The one area in which the two schools stayed similar was athletics. Both schools continued to thrive. As Clairton shrunk in size and played in a smaller division the chances of the two schools playing one another faded. That is not to say strong links did not exist. One of Thomas Jefferson’s most successful coaches was a Clairton grad as were many parents of Jefferson students. Still, both schools played their sports in what Future Shock author Alvin Toffler might describe as “…in isolated proximity of each other.” Though their paths did not cross as opponents, they made history this year.
Class A and Class AAA championships: A couple of weeks ago the Pennsylvania high school football championships were held in the Hersheypark Stadium in Hershey, PA. Clairton High School played Steelton-Highspire for the Class A state title. Both teams sported identical 15-0 records coming onto the game. At halftime the teams were tied, not only in points but in speed and grit. But once the second half began, as so often happens in football, the ball bounced the other way for the Clairton Bears and they finished the game as runners up. Still, not too shabby.
The Clairton-spawned Thomas Jefferson Jaguars entered their AAA title game against heralded Archbishop Wood. The Jaguars stomped the Vikings 34-7 to become state champs for the second consecutive year and three of the past five seasons. Their record over the past seven seasons is 92-8. Just as the first year graduating class had an affinity to the Clairton Bears, so must many current and former Clairtonians be proud of the Jefferson Jaguars.
A little blogging music Maestro… “Rise to Glory” by DJ Quik.
Dr. Forgot
Monday, December 22, 2008
What it Was was Football
Football Playoffs and Bowl Games Begin
College and Professional Football: Ah the time of the year when footballs fly through the air and big ugly guys smack other big ugly guys around and get paid for it. College players don’t get paid per se, but they do get a “free college education,” or at least, thanks to strict NCAA rules they get to major in eligibility for four years. We’ll talk more about that later, but first, let me air a few of my pet peeves. They have to do with the English language. Announcers at all levels of athletic competition seem to have an affinity for murdering the English language. These are probably the same guys who mock immigrants for not learning English quickly enough or who don’t speak with grammatical perfection. Well, let’s take a look at a few of a few of the trite phrases and language butchers.
Whoa, Nelly: One of the favorite terms by Keith Jackson that has become his hallmark is fine with me. But the one that is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me is “True freshman.” As in, “The quarterback is a true freshman.” Are the other freshmen liars, or perhaps seniors masquerading as freshmen? No, the NCAA blesses college athletes five calendar years to complete four years of eligibility. If a first year academic freshman does not participate in sports, then the following year that player might be a sophomore academically, but is playing his first (or freshman) year of eligibility.” Thus an academic sophomore who participates in his first year of athletic eligibility is a “Redshirt freshman.” I guess the announcers believe that no freshman should be on the field without two descriptive adjectives. But fellas, the first year participant who is also in his first year of academic statue is a freshman; not a “True freshman.” Whew, I feel better.
Not to confuse all the Ohio State’s with one another: The next expression that rankles me goes something like, “The BYUs, Penn States, and Ohio States….” Uh, fellas, there is only one BYU, one Ohio State, one Penn State, etc. so they can’t be plural. The exception is Miami, which is found both in Ohio and Florida. Next, let’s talk about tense. After a player is tackled trying to run up the middle of the field, the announcer will often say, “If he runs to the outside, he scores.” Come on guys. Is it so difficult to say, “Had he run to the outside he would have scored?” Oh, don’t forget, coming up is a third down situation. I once counted “situation” used 27 times. How about “Third down coming up?” And if your team is doing poorly because, “they have yet to get untracked,” does that mean your team is tracked? How exactly does a team become tracked in order for it to become untracked?
Switching sports metaphors: It seems that anything that happens for the third time regardless of the sport becomes a trifecta. If a baseball team wins the last several games of the searon, that team will have “run the table.” A player who might be the best in a particular area is “arguably the best.” But I never hear an argument. Or, “he’s as (fill in the blank) as anybody in the country.” Often a team needs to amp up its energy, or it may need to hunker down. Can a team amp down or hunker up? If not, the direction is superfluous.
Individual achievement: A player of substantial size, especially in basketball, is often praised by announcers because he can “get up and down the court for a man his size.” But the king of redundancies and mispronunciations has to be John Madden. After each play Madden feels obligated to provide analysis of what has occurred no matter how redundant or irrelevant. He would be an ideal color man for radio or for visually impaired folks watching television, but PLEASE John, ease up on the paralysis of your analysis. My final comment has to do with words that are either misused or made up. How often does one hear of a player’s “athleticism?” We will close with a recent term that was spewed from the lips of an announcer when a football player leapt over opponents. In the words of the announcer he became “verticalized.
But those announcers went to college: Graduation rates among college athletes have been a hot topic for decades. Allen Sack, a professor in the College of Business at the University of New Haven, played football on Notre Dame’s 1966 national championship football team. He has written several articles critical of NCAA reporting of graduation rates for athletes. In a recent article Stack states, “For instance, the University of Florida, a top-ranked team in the Bowl Championship Series ratings, graduates 81 percent of its student body, but only 36 percent of its football players. Other top ranked BCS teams whose graduation rates fall 30 or more percentage points below those other students include Texas, USC, Georgia, BYU, Georgia Tech, California, and Michigan State. The average FGR for the top 25 BCS teams as of Nov. 3 was 52 percent, 18 percent below that of student bodies.
There are graduation rates and there are graduation rates: The NCAA uses a different method to calculate athlete graduation so schools appear to have a higher graduation rate. Some, like Sack say is tantamount to cooking the books. But even when giving the NCAA the benefit of the doubt, a closer look reveals what is referred to as “clustering.” According to a recent USA Today article, “the NCAA's toughening of academic requirements for athletes has helped create an environment in which they are more likely to graduate than other students — but also more likely to be clustered in programs without the academic demands most students face. Some athletes say they have pursued — or have been steered to — degree programs that helped keep them eligible for sports but didn't prepare them for post-sports careers.”
All so-called Division 1A school were studied and the results were that “83% of the schools (118 of 142) had at least one team in which at least 25% of the juniors and seniors majored in the same thing. For example, seven of the 19 players on Stanford's baseball team majored in sociology.
•34% of the teams (222 of 654) had at least one such cluster of student-athletes.
•More than half of the clusters are what some analysts refer to as "extreme," in which at least 40% of athletes on a team are in the same major (125 of 235). All seven of the juniors and seniors on Texas-El Paso's men's basketball team majored in multidisciplinary studies, for example.” And a Multidisciplinary Studies major prepares the young college graduate to do what? Oh yes, to apply at all those multidisciplinary firms that snap them up.
Graduation rates increase and the NCAA can boast that they keep the student in student athlete. Coaches who recruit can tell the parent of every athlete what they want to hear – that their son or daughter will leave their institution with a quality education. Even the athlete believes it. But the joke’s on him, or her.
A little blogging music Maestro… A little Beach Boys singing, “Be True to Your School.”
Dr. Forgot
College and Professional Football: Ah the time of the year when footballs fly through the air and big ugly guys smack other big ugly guys around and get paid for it. College players don’t get paid per se, but they do get a “free college education,” or at least, thanks to strict NCAA rules they get to major in eligibility for four years. We’ll talk more about that later, but first, let me air a few of my pet peeves. They have to do with the English language. Announcers at all levels of athletic competition seem to have an affinity for murdering the English language. These are probably the same guys who mock immigrants for not learning English quickly enough or who don’t speak with grammatical perfection. Well, let’s take a look at a few of a few of the trite phrases and language butchers.
Whoa, Nelly: One of the favorite terms by Keith Jackson that has become his hallmark is fine with me. But the one that is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me is “True freshman.” As in, “The quarterback is a true freshman.” Are the other freshmen liars, or perhaps seniors masquerading as freshmen? No, the NCAA blesses college athletes five calendar years to complete four years of eligibility. If a first year academic freshman does not participate in sports, then the following year that player might be a sophomore academically, but is playing his first (or freshman) year of eligibility.” Thus an academic sophomore who participates in his first year of athletic eligibility is a “Redshirt freshman.” I guess the announcers believe that no freshman should be on the field without two descriptive adjectives. But fellas, the first year participant who is also in his first year of academic statue is a freshman; not a “True freshman.” Whew, I feel better.
Not to confuse all the Ohio State’s with one another: The next expression that rankles me goes something like, “The BYUs, Penn States, and Ohio States….” Uh, fellas, there is only one BYU, one Ohio State, one Penn State, etc. so they can’t be plural. The exception is Miami, which is found both in Ohio and Florida. Next, let’s talk about tense. After a player is tackled trying to run up the middle of the field, the announcer will often say, “If he runs to the outside, he scores.” Come on guys. Is it so difficult to say, “Had he run to the outside he would have scored?” Oh, don’t forget, coming up is a third down situation. I once counted “situation” used 27 times. How about “Third down coming up?” And if your team is doing poorly because, “they have yet to get untracked,” does that mean your team is tracked? How exactly does a team become tracked in order for it to become untracked?
Switching sports metaphors: It seems that anything that happens for the third time regardless of the sport becomes a trifecta. If a baseball team wins the last several games of the searon, that team will have “run the table.” A player who might be the best in a particular area is “arguably the best.” But I never hear an argument. Or, “he’s as (fill in the blank) as anybody in the country.” Often a team needs to amp up its energy, or it may need to hunker down. Can a team amp down or hunker up? If not, the direction is superfluous.
Individual achievement: A player of substantial size, especially in basketball, is often praised by announcers because he can “get up and down the court for a man his size.” But the king of redundancies and mispronunciations has to be John Madden. After each play Madden feels obligated to provide analysis of what has occurred no matter how redundant or irrelevant. He would be an ideal color man for radio or for visually impaired folks watching television, but PLEASE John, ease up on the paralysis of your analysis. My final comment has to do with words that are either misused or made up. How often does one hear of a player’s “athleticism?” We will close with a recent term that was spewed from the lips of an announcer when a football player leapt over opponents. In the words of the announcer he became “verticalized.
But those announcers went to college: Graduation rates among college athletes have been a hot topic for decades. Allen Sack, a professor in the College of Business at the University of New Haven, played football on Notre Dame’s 1966 national championship football team. He has written several articles critical of NCAA reporting of graduation rates for athletes. In a recent article Stack states, “For instance, the University of Florida, a top-ranked team in the Bowl Championship Series ratings, graduates 81 percent of its student body, but only 36 percent of its football players. Other top ranked BCS teams whose graduation rates fall 30 or more percentage points below those other students include Texas, USC, Georgia, BYU, Georgia Tech, California, and Michigan State. The average FGR for the top 25 BCS teams as of Nov. 3 was 52 percent, 18 percent below that of student bodies.
There are graduation rates and there are graduation rates: The NCAA uses a different method to calculate athlete graduation so schools appear to have a higher graduation rate. Some, like Sack say is tantamount to cooking the books. But even when giving the NCAA the benefit of the doubt, a closer look reveals what is referred to as “clustering.” According to a recent USA Today article, “the NCAA's toughening of academic requirements for athletes has helped create an environment in which they are more likely to graduate than other students — but also more likely to be clustered in programs without the academic demands most students face. Some athletes say they have pursued — or have been steered to — degree programs that helped keep them eligible for sports but didn't prepare them for post-sports careers.”
All so-called Division 1A school were studied and the results were that “83% of the schools (118 of 142) had at least one team in which at least 25% of the juniors and seniors majored in the same thing. For example, seven of the 19 players on Stanford's baseball team majored in sociology.
•34% of the teams (222 of 654) had at least one such cluster of student-athletes.
•More than half of the clusters are what some analysts refer to as "extreme," in which at least 40% of athletes on a team are in the same major (125 of 235). All seven of the juniors and seniors on Texas-El Paso's men's basketball team majored in multidisciplinary studies, for example.” And a Multidisciplinary Studies major prepares the young college graduate to do what? Oh yes, to apply at all those multidisciplinary firms that snap them up.
Graduation rates increase and the NCAA can boast that they keep the student in student athlete. Coaches who recruit can tell the parent of every athlete what they want to hear – that their son or daughter will leave their institution with a quality education. Even the athlete believes it. But the joke’s on him, or her.
A little blogging music Maestro… A little Beach Boys singing, “Be True to Your School.”
Dr. Forgot
Friday, December 19, 2008
Baby Its Cold Outside
Paralysis of Analysis
Don’t let your heart be snowbound: Yes, Las Vegas is in the Mohave Desert. Yes, the desert is hot and dry. Yes, the average precipitation in Las Vegas is about 2.75” annually, but when it rains, “gully washers” start high in the foothills on the west side of town and cascade down onto the Strip a little more than 300 feet below, then down to Henderson, another 300 feet or so, and finally into Lake Mead. The County has spent millions of dollars to tame the flooding with catch basins strategically placed throughout the Las Vegas Valley and for the most part it works pretty well. No longer do cars float in the Strip Hotel Casino parking lots, and those lucky enough to be visiting during a desert rainstorm are no longer treated to Mother Nature’s fury. But the snow… well, that’s another story.
Oh the weather outside was frightful: Earlier this week a storm blew down from Alaska and Canada and through the desert. This happens every 5-8 years or so and the Las Vegas valley sees a sprinkling of show but not very often and not for very long. But records are made to be broken, right? The 3.6 inches that fell on Vegas last Wednesday was the heaviest snowfall in recorded history. That is not a misprint 3.6 inches was a record. McCarran International airport was shut down tighter than the lid on a pickle jar, and I-15 northbound to Utah and southbound to California was shut down. U.S. 95 north toward Reno and south toward Boulder City and Arizona was shut down. The city came to a grinding halt. Thousands of airline passengers were stranded. Of course, there are worse places to be stranded than Las Vegas, unless of course, you gambled all your money and had your airline ticket pinned to the inside of your underwear. Nobody was Leaving Las Vegas.”
The fountain of knowledge was turned off: Nevada, like most other states is experiencing an economic slowdown. Two rural schools had meetings planned to see if they would be eliminated forever. One, on Mount Charleston, was set to have a town meeting Wednesday to discuss its future but the meeting was snowed out. So were Christmas concerts, plays, and other school activities were all canceled. School administrators got their heads together and fortunately didn’t hurt themselves, but decided to close the schools Thursday. Let me repeat, 3.6” of snow. Of course, as luck would have it, Thursday was bright and sunny and teachers and students had the day off but without an opportunity to play in the departed, melted snow.
Are there bargains in Vegas?: The MGM seems to think so.
MGM GRAND AND THE SIGNATURE AT MGM GRAND MAKE ESCAPING EASY
WITH MASTERCARD® WORLDWIDE
Book Stay with MasterCard Card and Receive 30 Percent off Dinners, Shows and Spa Services!
This winter, Las Vegas visitors can indulge in a luxury getaway without busting their budget. MGM Grand, a AAA Four Diamond hotel, and The Signature at MGM Grand, a non-smoking, non-gaming luxury resort, are partnering with MasterCard Worldwide to offer a valuable experience and savings to cardholders and guests. Now through January 30, 2009, guests are invited to enjoy great hotel rates paired with incredible discounts on dining, entertainment, select retail and spa purchases when charged to the room. Whether relaxing or indulging, this limited time offer allows visitors to save while splurging. Offering the best of both worlds, The Signature at MGM Grand provides a peaceful retreat, just moments from the “Maximum Vegas” excitement of MGM Grand.
HOW IT WORKS: Book a suite, from $129 per night, at The Signature at MGM Grand or a room at MGM Grand, from $89 per night, with a valid MasterCard card. Receive 30 percent off bars, restaurants, select retail outlets, shows and spa services when you charge to your room and pay with your MasterCard card.*
MGM Grand offerings that can be charged to the hotel bill include:
Award-winning dining featuring the culinary creations of some of the finest chefs such as Tom Colicchio, Michael Mina, Wolfgang Puck and the world’s most starred chef Joël Robuchon
World-class entertainment including Cirque du Soleil’s KÀ, a renowned production combining acrobatic performances, martial arts, puppetry, multimedia and pyrotechnics to bring the epic saga of separated twins to life; and MGM Grand’s Crazy Horse Paris, celebrating the artistry of the nude
MGM Grand Spa’s pampering treatments for the mind, body and soul
HOW TO BOOK: Call 1-800-929-1111 and use booking code “SIG007” for The Signature at MGM Grand.
*Must book and pay with a valid MasterCard card. Book by January 30, 2009 and actualize by January 30, 2009. The 30 percent discount excludes room and tax. Guests will charge items to their rooms and the 30 percent discount will be applied upon check-out. Discount may be applied to dining, entertainment and spa. Please inquire for specific rules and regulations. Rates and availability vary.
MEDIA CONTACT:
Kate Evans/Joan Bloom, M Booth & Associates
(212) 481-7000
katee@mbooth.com or joanbl@mbooth.com
About The Signature at MGM Grand: For a gratifying getaway, look no further than The Signature at MGM Grand, ideally situated away from the hustle and bustle of the Las Vegas Strip. Ranging from 550 to 1,500 square feet, suites feature king-size, pillow-top beds draped in 300-thread count sheets and soft, down comforters; bathrooms stocked with plush towels, cozy robes and June Jacobs’ spa products; and in-suite kitchens featuring top-of-the-line appliances and cabinets filled with bone china, glass stemware, sterling silverware and a selection of cookware. Guests also enjoy The Signature’s private pool complex, state-of-the-art fitness centers and superior concierge staff readily available to customize a dream vacation. While staying at The Signature’s non-smoking, non-gaming environment, guests are only steps away from the excitement of MGM Grand’s electrifying casino, award-winning dining, world-class entertainment, dynamic nightlife and luxurious spa and salon.
A little blogging music Maestro… One more time with Elvis doing, “Viva Las Vegas.”
Dr. Forgot
Don’t let your heart be snowbound: Yes, Las Vegas is in the Mohave Desert. Yes, the desert is hot and dry. Yes, the average precipitation in Las Vegas is about 2.75” annually, but when it rains, “gully washers” start high in the foothills on the west side of town and cascade down onto the Strip a little more than 300 feet below, then down to Henderson, another 300 feet or so, and finally into Lake Mead. The County has spent millions of dollars to tame the flooding with catch basins strategically placed throughout the Las Vegas Valley and for the most part it works pretty well. No longer do cars float in the Strip Hotel Casino parking lots, and those lucky enough to be visiting during a desert rainstorm are no longer treated to Mother Nature’s fury. But the snow… well, that’s another story.
Oh the weather outside was frightful: Earlier this week a storm blew down from Alaska and Canada and through the desert. This happens every 5-8 years or so and the Las Vegas valley sees a sprinkling of show but not very often and not for very long. But records are made to be broken, right? The 3.6 inches that fell on Vegas last Wednesday was the heaviest snowfall in recorded history. That is not a misprint 3.6 inches was a record. McCarran International airport was shut down tighter than the lid on a pickle jar, and I-15 northbound to Utah and southbound to California was shut down. U.S. 95 north toward Reno and south toward Boulder City and Arizona was shut down. The city came to a grinding halt. Thousands of airline passengers were stranded. Of course, there are worse places to be stranded than Las Vegas, unless of course, you gambled all your money and had your airline ticket pinned to the inside of your underwear. Nobody was Leaving Las Vegas.”
The fountain of knowledge was turned off: Nevada, like most other states is experiencing an economic slowdown. Two rural schools had meetings planned to see if they would be eliminated forever. One, on Mount Charleston, was set to have a town meeting Wednesday to discuss its future but the meeting was snowed out. So were Christmas concerts, plays, and other school activities were all canceled. School administrators got their heads together and fortunately didn’t hurt themselves, but decided to close the schools Thursday. Let me repeat, 3.6” of snow. Of course, as luck would have it, Thursday was bright and sunny and teachers and students had the day off but without an opportunity to play in the departed, melted snow.
Are there bargains in Vegas?: The MGM seems to think so.
MGM GRAND AND THE SIGNATURE AT MGM GRAND MAKE ESCAPING EASY
WITH MASTERCARD® WORLDWIDE
Book Stay with MasterCard Card and Receive 30 Percent off Dinners, Shows and Spa Services!
This winter, Las Vegas visitors can indulge in a luxury getaway without busting their budget. MGM Grand, a AAA Four Diamond hotel, and The Signature at MGM Grand, a non-smoking, non-gaming luxury resort, are partnering with MasterCard Worldwide to offer a valuable experience and savings to cardholders and guests. Now through January 30, 2009, guests are invited to enjoy great hotel rates paired with incredible discounts on dining, entertainment, select retail and spa purchases when charged to the room. Whether relaxing or indulging, this limited time offer allows visitors to save while splurging. Offering the best of both worlds, The Signature at MGM Grand provides a peaceful retreat, just moments from the “Maximum Vegas” excitement of MGM Grand.
HOW IT WORKS: Book a suite, from $129 per night, at The Signature at MGM Grand or a room at MGM Grand, from $89 per night, with a valid MasterCard card. Receive 30 percent off bars, restaurants, select retail outlets, shows and spa services when you charge to your room and pay with your MasterCard card.*
MGM Grand offerings that can be charged to the hotel bill include:
Award-winning dining featuring the culinary creations of some of the finest chefs such as Tom Colicchio, Michael Mina, Wolfgang Puck and the world’s most starred chef Joël Robuchon
World-class entertainment including Cirque du Soleil’s KÀ, a renowned production combining acrobatic performances, martial arts, puppetry, multimedia and pyrotechnics to bring the epic saga of separated twins to life; and MGM Grand’s Crazy Horse Paris, celebrating the artistry of the nude
MGM Grand Spa’s pampering treatments for the mind, body and soul
HOW TO BOOK: Call 1-800-929-1111 and use booking code “SIG007” for The Signature at MGM Grand.
*Must book and pay with a valid MasterCard card. Book by January 30, 2009 and actualize by January 30, 2009. The 30 percent discount excludes room and tax. Guests will charge items to their rooms and the 30 percent discount will be applied upon check-out. Discount may be applied to dining, entertainment and spa. Please inquire for specific rules and regulations. Rates and availability vary.
MEDIA CONTACT:
Kate Evans/Joan Bloom, M Booth & Associates
(212) 481-7000
katee@mbooth.com or joanbl@mbooth.com
About The Signature at MGM Grand: For a gratifying getaway, look no further than The Signature at MGM Grand, ideally situated away from the hustle and bustle of the Las Vegas Strip. Ranging from 550 to 1,500 square feet, suites feature king-size, pillow-top beds draped in 300-thread count sheets and soft, down comforters; bathrooms stocked with plush towels, cozy robes and June Jacobs’ spa products; and in-suite kitchens featuring top-of-the-line appliances and cabinets filled with bone china, glass stemware, sterling silverware and a selection of cookware. Guests also enjoy The Signature’s private pool complex, state-of-the-art fitness centers and superior concierge staff readily available to customize a dream vacation. While staying at The Signature’s non-smoking, non-gaming environment, guests are only steps away from the excitement of MGM Grand’s electrifying casino, award-winning dining, world-class entertainment, dynamic nightlife and luxurious spa and salon.
A little blogging music Maestro… One more time with Elvis doing, “Viva Las Vegas.”
Dr. Forgot
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