Friday, August 8, 2008

News of the Wrold

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Deny, Deny, Deny: Add another quote to those that will live in infamy. Bill Clinton’s, “I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky,” Senator Larry Craig’s “I am not gay,” Tom Delay’s smiley face picture when being booked, Cindy McCain’s “It is an old family recipe,” Kwame Kilpatrick, “What cell phone records?” Now we have John Edwards on tape being asked about an alleged affair and responding, “I don’t respond to those types of lies.” Why is it that Southerners are always more fun to discover scandals about? Maybe it is that Southerners seem so more intense in their beliefs that when they stumble (the preacher who got caught then with tears rolling down his cheeks cried “I have sinned”) we watch more closely.

Let’s see if we can list a dozen or so sex scandals among recent politicians: Rep. Vito Fosella, NY, had a “love child” out of wedlock, NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer bought a hooker for more than what most people put down on a new car, FL Rep Mark Foley sent sex text messages to underage boys, CA Rep. Duke Cunningham used hookers paid for by a defense contractor, LA Sen. David Vitter was a regular at a whorehouse, Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias booked his hookers with the “D.C. Madam,” NJ Gov James McGreevy allegedly sexually harassed his gay lover, ID Sen. Larry Craig toe tapped his gay intentions to an undercover cop, Spokane Mayor James West got caught up in a gay porn internet service, LA Rep Bob Livingston bragged to his colleagues about straying from his marriage while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the same behavior, IL Rep Daniel Crane admitted to turning over a couple of underage female pages. And that, my friends, is today’s “Dirty Dozen.”

That’s the night that the lights went out in Georgia: The troops are burning and looting all over Georgia. But this time it is not General William Tecumseh Sherman doing the invading, and it is not the great state of Georgia that is being overrun. Instead the troops of Russians are roamin’ all over Georgia in an invasion the likes of which have not been seen for some time. Seems that a portion of the Caucasus region of South Ossetia is in dispute. I’m not sure if the invaders are White Russians or Red Russians but the troops are fighting in the Black Sea Region and the invasion is making the Caucasians blue.

Conservative driver claims to be full of hot air: The energy crisis is real. There just don’t seem to be that many dinosaurs dying to keep fossil fuel operating our cars forever. Some creative solutions have been put forward including solar energy to heat water, wind power to generate electricity, hybrid cars that run on a little gas and a lot of electricity, total electric Teslas, and even cars that run on garbage. But the prize has to be the recent announcement of a car that runs on air. No, not wind power, but compressed air. And it claims to get 106 miles per gallon. Imagine being able to pull into an “air station” and say “fill ‘er up.” Better yet, think of all the late night jokes about mothers-in-law whose hot air helps keep their loving son-in-law’s car operating at peak efficiency. Some say genius is the ability to look at something and see something else. The idea for a car that runs on air uses the same principle as a steam engine. Only instead of steam, it uses compressed air! The six-seater reportedly can reach 90 mph and is anything but a blowhard with a range of 800 miles. This puts a whole new meaning to air conditioning your car.

For once the naked truth from a conservative: Glen Beck is not one of our favorite pundits. The admitted recovering alcoholic and rodeo clown (we’re not sure if he’s fully recovered from being a rodeo clown) often is the poster boy for the silly season. But our views are always open to listening to comments out of both sides of a pundits mouth so we sat up and took notice of his latest proposal. Beck suggests that we all drive naked to reduce the weight of our cars so we won’t have to drill for new oil. We think he might, uh, have something there. In fairness, he agrees that in addition to buffing it we should follow Senator Obama’s advice and check the air in our tires and tune up our engines. But I don’t think Glen has ever lived in the desert. Getting into a car whose interior temp exceeds 160 degrees is bad enough if you’re wearing shorts. Trying it naked could have long term effects on population growth. On the other hand, perhaps we should require the Dirty Dozen listed above to drive naked in the desert. I know, not a pretty sight but it sure might keep them on the straight and narrow.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth: It looks like the preacher’s wife might be left out of the will. The wife of evangelical pastor Joel Osteen was at 30,000 feet when instead of singing “Nearer my God to thee,” she decided to become Daniel in the lion’s den. Apparently a drop of water, or maybe it was wine, was on the seat of her first class lounge chair when cabin attendants did not move with miracle speed to remove it. Mrs. Osteen wept and wailed and gnashed her teeth as well as attempting to make her way into the cockpit to report the indiscretion to the head man (No, not THAT Head man, but plane’s pilot). Her behavior earned Queen Victoria Osteen a free pass off the plane. Attendant Sharon Brown placed her hand on the Bible and swore out a complaint against Osteen. Besides hitting Mrs. Osteen in the collection plate with a settlement, some cabin attendants hope that in the future it will be easier for her to fit through the eye of a needle rather than board another Continental flight.

Back seat drivers yet to be named: Finally, we have done extensive research on the possible candidates for the vice presidency and our cracked team of researchers has advised us who will definitely NOT occupy the veep seat. On the Republican side we can say that Cindy McCain look alike Paris Hilton is definitely out of consideration. On the Demo side, we can rule out, with 98% accuracy the selection of John Edwards.

A little blogging music Maestro... “A Change is Gonna’ Come” by the late Sam Cooke.

Dr. Forgot
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