Monday, September 1, 2008

I Love Lucy Gusty


A Tribute to Olde Tyme Television: Today’s post is underwritten by the Republican National Committee. Take a trip with us down memory lane to the 1950s when everything was black and white. Back in the days when Hispanic immigrants were called Latin Lovers and instead of “I Heart Huckabee” the Repubs boasted, “I Like Ike.” Today’s episode talks about another wacky hurricane called Gustav, or Gusty for short. You will soon discover why today’s slogan is “I Love Gusty.”

Introduction of the players: In today’s episode the role of Ricky Ricardo was a tossup between Henry Kissinger and Zbigniew Brzezinski, but it will be played by the concession candidate John McCain. The role of Lucy will be played by newcomer Sarah Palin. Cranky landlord Fred Mertz will be played by George W. Bush and Ethyl Mertz will be played by Kay Bailey Hutchison. Guest appearances will be made by Bill Bennett, Mitt Romney, and Idaho toe tapper, Larry Craig.

Scene I – Republican Strategy Session: McCain as Ricky: Lucy, Did you see that Democratic convention? How can we possibly compete with that? They’re going to kill us in the ratings. I think I’ll go down to the Veteran’s Hall and sing a few favorites.

Sara Palin as Lucy: Oh Reeky, you worry too much for no reason. You told me that the economy is in great shape and you know everybody loves your singing. Why, in a couple of weeks nobody will even remember the name Clinton or the speeches they gave. And Uncle Karl can spin the melting of the polar ice caps to make it look like it was all Al Gore’s fault. And that liberal media that keeps reporting an oil crisis...well that’s about as likely as you having seven houses.

Ricky: They’re CONDOS, Lucy! Oooooh Lucy, what are we going to do? Obama’s speech drew 40 million and they expect me to draw 40 – and that is if we can locate Dick in his undisclosed location and bring in all the senators who are convicted felons. At first I thought having the convention in St. Paul was brilliant. You know, because the word “Saint” will appease our right wing-nuts. But I was as wrong about that as “W” was when he appointed Brownie to head FEMA. Oh Lucy. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. I’m going down to the Sedona house and whistle in the wind.

Lucy: You go ahead, Honey. I’ll stay home in our CONDO and try to help you figure something out.

Ricky exits stage right. There’s a knock at the door. Ethyl enters.

Kay Bailey Hutchison as Ethyl: Hellooooo. Anybody home? Hi Lucy, Fred sent me down to collect the rent on the condo.

Lucy: Oh Ethyl, forget the rent. We have seven other condos we can move to if you get too snippy. Besides, Ricky is worried that the convention will be a bust after that spectacle the Democrats put on.

Ethyl: Wow, that was something. Did you hear Obama? What a speaker! He gets my vote.

Lucy: ETHYL!

Ethyl: Whoops. Uh, I mean, if I was...Uh. I’m sorry Lucy. Your guy is just so boring.

Lucy: Ok, forget about that. We have to figure out a way to do something so the Republican convention doesn’t end up looking like a flea on an elephant’s behind. What can we do.

Ethyl: I’ll call Fred. (shouting) Fred. FRE-E-E-D!

George W. Bush as Fred: (entering to applause from the audience) Hey y’all. Did somebody call me?

Ethyl: Lose the phony Texas accent Fred. Lucy has a problem and we need help. (she explains the dilemma)

Fred: Hmmm. Whenever I need advice I text Uncle Dick. I have his private number right here. (Fred whips out his Blackberry and types into it) “What’s UR 20?” (location)

Dick: “NOYB” (None of your business)

Fred: “911” (I need help)

Dick: “2BZ4U” (Too busy for you)

Fred: “ND 2 86 CNVNTN ASAP” (We need to stop the convention as soon as possible)

Dick: “FTASB?” (Faster than a Speeding bullet?)

Fred: “FTBOMH” (From the bottom of my heart)

Dick: “How Bout HRCN N NO” How about a hurricane in New Orleans?)

Fred: “CN U DU IT” (Can you do that?)

Dick: “CYT” (See you tomorrow)

Fred: Ok, Dick will arrange it. A hurricane will hit New Orleans. We’ll cancel the convention to help the survivors and we’ll be heroes.

Final Scene: Lucy explains the plan to Ricky. He is ecstatic.

Lucy: What should we call the hurricane? It needs a name.

Ricky: Let’s name it after my uncle Gustav. We used to call him “Gusty.” (Curtain falls. Fade to black with music.)

And that, boys and girls wraps up today’s episode of “I Love Gusty.”

A little blogging music Maestro... Little Caesar and the Romans singing “Those Oldies but Goodies.”

Dr. Forgot

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