Monday, October 20, 2008

15 Days to RAIN Day

RAIN Minus 15

Item First – Let it RAIN:
From now until the presidential Election Day we will begin each post with a review of the Remove All Incumbents Now (RAIN) campaign. A good rain washes clean all the road scum, dust and filth. We hope that a cleansing of Congress will result in the firing of the legislators who are part of the group that bailed out Wall Street with nearly a trillion dollars, at least 150 billion of which was blatant authorized pork by Democrats to appease Republicans who had previously rejected the bill then changed their vote allowing it to pass after being seduced by pork. We are not sure how much of the bailout, if any, was actually needed.
The following item was sent to me by a dear friend and former colleague, Dr. Jerry. It was written by a newsman and columnist of nearly 50 years. If you still doubt the need for the RAIN campaign, read on:

A New World: Once all the incumbents have been purged from the system and a new president has been elected will the sniping stop? Somehow I don’t think that Rush, BillO, Sean, and their ilk will allow the U.S. to be any less a Savage Nation. Olberman, Maddow and the like will continue to fill American Air with views to the counter. So how will the schism ever be healed? Short answer: It won’t. My favorite author, Anonymous, has taken a position that since Red and Blue states will not melt and become purple, the only other solution is to divorce one another. As in any divorce a settlement agreement must be reached. Lawyers for Anonymous have proposed a settlement to the divorce decree between Red and Blue states. It is as follows:

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided that due to our irreconcilable differences we have grounds for divorce so we’re leaving you.

Once the divorce is final we will start a new life (country), and we're taking the Blue children with us. The Red children were yours so you get to keep them. You may visit if you have a valid passport.

In case you don’t remember the names of our Blue children, they include Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast.

We believe this divorce will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to our relatives in the new country of New California.

To summarize the child support settlement:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Nancy Pelosi. You get Sarah Palin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get WalMart.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of The United States' venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight wars, draft your evangelicals.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

Contributions from the Blue States means we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at your state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you very much.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred (unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws), 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you right wing nuts believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.


Blue States

Trouble in Paradise:
As the campaigning winds down the differences and arguments heat up. Sometimes that even happens within one’s party. Joe Biden is as passionate as he can be on the trail but is able to come up with a few gaffes including the announcement that Hillary would have probably been a better pick. Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin recently told CBN’s David Brody that she supports a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, a proposal John McCain voted against. McCain and Palin disagree on a number of issues, including stem cell research, whether or not global warming is man-made, and drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Biden will release his medical records to the press which will include medical documents from 1988 when Biden suffered two brain aneurysms and a blood clot in his lung. However he is not now, nor ever has been pregnant. Joe the Plumber has replaced all other campaign surrogates as John McCain’s new best friend and Colin Powell has become Barack Obama’s new spiritual and military advisor. We can hardly wait until its over.

Seniority counts: Much has been made of John McCain’s age during the election, but he has nothing on Ann Nixon Cooper. She has been around since Roosevelt’s election. That’s TEDDY Roosevelt, not FDR. Ann is 106 years old. She will vote this and although she reached voting age before womens suffrage, she was banned from voting for many elections due not to her age but her race. When asked about her secret for long life Ms. Cooper smiled and replied, “I ain’t got time to die.”

A little blogging music Maestro…” Those Oldies but Goodies,” by the Little Caesar and the Romans.

Dr. Forgot

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